Friday, October 31, 2014
just a quick post, to breathe some life into this.
artificial life-support or something like it.
first post while on exchange hahaha not to mention first post in a while.
so much of great significance has happened since the previous post in early July
that was what, a couple of weeks after arts camp and before oweek precamp?
I'm not going to note down the details of the whole oweek experience,
from precamp to camp, from A house to house ics, from internal thoughts and emotions to interactions with others,
what I can remember, will be what I choose to remember,
or stuff that I cannot forget,
and that is all there is to it.
likewise, while on this exchange, I find myself faced with the same question
amongst a whole barrage of other questions.
should I take photos of noteworthy events, incidents, and instances, as a form of memory?
so that my brain can transfer the memory onto these photos, to be recollected each time it views those very same photos again?
personal preference means I don't really do that.
instead I say my brain is enough.
for my trips to paris, brussels, and berlin, I can vaguely remember the gist of what happened, and what I did, the places I visited and saw (with the help of my photos haha which kinda goes against the argument). I don't know man.
this just reminds me of that long conversation I had with nicolimo the other night.
I trust that the future me reading this will know what I'm talking about. if you don't, shame on you
hahaha just kidding. but I know you'll know ;)
so many questions.
the problem isn't that there aren't any answers, but that there are so many of them!
I daresay even more than there are quetions
and there arises the problem of which answer?
for not only are there multiple answers but some of these are mutually exclusive,
opposing what each has to say, with the only commonality that it answers the same question.
highly unlikely that there is just one single answer correct for every question
which makes it all the more frustrating for an overthinker raised in a world seeking answers,
brought up in the belief of answers to everything
and not told that sometimes the answers we find only leave us with more questions
with more question-inducing answers
and the cycle never ends.
it never ends.
so what does one do then?
what can one do?
funny that it should end with a question
haha.
whimsical nonsense @ 7:55 AM
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Wednesday, July 02, 2014
perhaps one day in the very near future, I'll do something more here
to temporarily revive this.
unlike the past few semesters, where I would post sporadically
I completely neglected this space. not that I had nothing to say,
ohwoethatismebecauseitseemsIalmostalwayshavesomethingtosaytosomething
okay there was something I wanted to say, but I cannot remember
because I decided to pay my as-dead tumblr a visit
and my latest post was an audio post.
ordinarily I don't think it would have any particular effect on me
but given my current situation now, and what happened last monday,
the effect is rather profound.
sigh.
whimsical nonsense @ 9:49 PM
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Tuesday, January 28, 2014
this journey is proving to be as difficult as it promised.
initially, there was the silver lining that it may yet still be fun, and exciting, and everything good.
just a few weeks later, the shine of this lining has dimmed significantly.
I don't know what I am typing anymore, again.
this brain just feels so overused and tired,
without having done what needs to be done.
whimsical nonsense @ 1:08 AM
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Tuesday, December 17, 2013
and just like that, another semester is down.
more than that, about two weeks of this holiday break has passed.
oh wow, I never actually bothered to count, and now that I have, two weeks?!
that was quick. it feels like my holiday only just started.
in a sense, I like to think so. with exams ending on Wednesday, and me spending less than 24 hours at home over the course of 8 days, yes it does feel like only now am I lazing around at home and being the slob that I normally am.
Ipoh Youth Camp was fun and generally enjoyable. Hopefully, the message got across clearly, and that over time the Spirit will work in their hearts, that the seeds may be sown, germinate and one day be harvested!
Learning more about the work of the Spirit from SSBC 2013. Very enriching and enlightening.
Unfortunately, as is usually the case, it kinda goes downhill from there. Time to force the application, otherwise what's the point?
Just a note, it has been slightly memorable for another reason. I think.
~~~
This is a peculiar time, oh yes it is.
There is just that slight buzz in the air, a buzz of anticipation and excitement for the festive season of Christmas and New Year.
It is that one period in the year when the working world slows down a little, and relaxes a bit more; when schooling children and youth are enjoying the year-end break, when holiday-homework is not so much a hindrance than a non-issue; when university students are taking a much-needed break, with some of the students studying overseas even coming back.
I'm pretty sure somehow these events are causally related, but that's besides the point. The point is, during this time, so much more seems to be happening - things that deviate from routine. Families travel and enjoy a family holiday, or friends come together and satisfy their wanderlust collectively. Parents take leave or a day off to spend time with their children, bringing them around for Christmas shopping, or to watch Frozen. Friends find the time to meet and catch up, reliving memories whilst creating new ones. Definitely, these things happen on a regular basis, and it is entirely possible that there is actually no such increases in some of these activities (like friends meeting up).
It's just that there seems to be more meaning or significance added to such activities at this time of the year. And I can see why.
Perhaps that is why Christmas still remains one of my favourite holidays. It might have lost the kind of magic I envisioned Christmas having as a child, and become less about presents and gifts, but part of me still attaches a special kind of meaning with Christmas, and the year-end festive season in general.
I like how I don't seem to be the only one. I'm not too bothered by the cause of it, be it the spread of Western capitalism and consumerism, or the romanticised notion of Christmas in songs, shows, and movies. Regardless of the cause, the effect is the same - people being of a slightly cheerier disposition, and that intangible buzz in the atmosphere. These just make this period seem a better time to be in, if not in real terms than in apparent terms. works for me.
Of course, all these are just paper over the cracks. The real problem is Sin; rebelling against God.
Say what you want, but that's what Christmas is a reminder of. In reminding people about the birth of Jesus Christ, it reminds all about the greater story in which this birth fits right into - the implementation of a plan formulated by God the Father, executed by God the Son, and continued on earth by God the Spirit (hopefully I have my doctrine right :/), a plan to save us from Sin and certain damnation by reconciling us to our Creator.
I often forget it. Most times it does not even figure in my conscious thoughts.
But, that is indeed the true reason why Christmas should be celebrated. All the other things, good as they may be, pales in comparison to the Birth of Jesus Christ, the arrival of God on this earth.
~~~
Reflecting about the past semester after that just seems to make everything that follows so trivial (and they are, actually).
Not that I have many points of comparison, but the past semester seems to have been the most blah of the three, academically speaking. Usually, my interest towards a module increases as the semester goes and only reaches proper interest during exams or after it, when I have actually read and/or understood a significant chunk of the content. Sad to say, I seem to have really enjoyed only one module. ah well. I don't really want to talk much about the academics of this semester, except that I have gone through a good number of 'never again' moments.
Comparing how I felt, and how I was just prior to the start of my sophomore year, to the current midway-through state, I don't know man. A lot has changed.
I'm losing coherence in thought.
It was good while it lasted.
whimsical nonsense @ 3:32 PM
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Wednesday, November 06, 2013
I find myself in a familiar situation.
all too familiar.
and this crick in my neck is killing me
whimsical nonsense @ 9:59 PM
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Monday, September 30, 2013
this marks the end of recess week. time for some stock-ticking.
with the inclusion of the recess week, that makes it seven weeks since the start of the semester.
once again, there is that ironic situation. the start of the semester seems so far away, I can barely recall how I felt as my sophomore year began. and yet, I can scarcely believe that I am already midway through a semester. how did it all pass by so quickly?
where to begin.
a new academic year. a new semester.
but the same old thinking. the same old false belief
that such an event marks new beginnings. no
it is but an arbitrary division.
a highly permeable division it seems.
the habits and thinking of old seem to have made a seamless transition into this "new" phase.
what has changed then?
so much, and yet so little!
I am the same inefficient sod I was previously.
but I don't feel the same. I don't act the same.
I think differently.
the module content, and its presenters, are different.
but the rigour is the same. the regiment similar. if not worse.
I don't quite know where this is going.
never did. and perhaps it is time to stop pretending like I do.
drop the pretense of control. let the mask just,
fall away.
yes, why not?
because. because the mask was there to protect.
protect the wearer from humiliation and unimaginable embarrassment. it is his first line of defence. his
only defense mechanism.
because the mask was there to protect.
protect the world from the horror hidden within.
such monsters cannot be allowed to wander around without restraint.
stop! enough!
I don't want to hear anymore!
I don't want to know anymore.
leave me be, in my ignorant state.
the more I learn, the more I realise the despair and depravity that surrounds,
it is not a place I like to be around.
but it is nevertheless a place that I am in.
I am an equal contributor, and a fellow carrier of the guilt, to the darkness of this place.
so much, no too much, hypocrisy.
are internal struggles considered hypocrisy?
yes there is a struggle. inside
is a chaotic mess.
I cannot make sense of it all.
I cannot see any order in the chaos.
I cannot even begin to grasp whatever it is I am suppose to grasp.
I cannot.
same old, same old.
things change. new masks replace the old.
something fresh, for what has been worn and cold
must be thrown out, and given to mold.
but no mask can ever completely hide the beast within.
put the shackles on.
and swallow the key.
and wait. it is a waiting game, oh yes it is!
wait.
for what exactly I have no clue.
but I shall wait. what else can I do?
whimsical nonsense @ 12:32 AM
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Monday, September 09, 2013
for a fleeting moment, there was some kind of inspiration.
that moment is gone now. as are many other similar moments.
how many times have I felt motivated to do something,
inspired to begin something,
and ended up with nothing to show for it.
nothing.
is something, right?
it has to be, just so that I won't feel so bad about myself.
stop. stop it all!
let me revel in my delusions
let me remain in my dreams
let me rot since I'm in my deathbed,
stop.
but the world keeps spinning on.
and the world keeps spinning on. stop.
whimsical nonsense @ 11:42 PM
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Monday, August 12, 2013
good music. good weather.
after spending some time writing.
at night.
just as a new dawn beckons.
I don't know what more I could ask for.
whimsical nonsense @ 1:20 AM
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Sunday, July 14, 2013
about time to get my act together.
I think.
certainty. can it exist?
whimsical nonsense @ 12:40 AM
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Friday, July 12, 2013
bad case of withdrawal.
oh well.
whimsical nonsense @ 12:34 AM
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Friday, June 07, 2013
0606.
a night to remember.
watching an orchestra and choir perform the original score for The Lord of the Rings The Fellowship of the Ring was just quite unlike any other experience.
a rather novel idea.
one I'm glad for.
another evening in which the age-old lesson was reiterated.
the things you don't do are the things you regret the most.
missed opportunities usually do not present themselves again.
but have heart. have courage. have faith,
my friend.
I know you will.
I know you've grasped the concept.
I'm worried in the midst of execution, in that struggle, you'll falter.
a night to remember.
whimsical nonsense @ 2:11 AM
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Friday, May 31, 2013
well, if it isn't already clear by now, the demons are back!
the usual suspects.
nothing new really. nor should it be surprising
for how can I expect them to be gone when they were never vanquished before?
not strong enough. not fast enough.
it's like fighting a losing battle, whilst knowing the war is lost already.
always saved by something though. some distraction of sorts. like school.
and they rush back into their cosy corners and hide-y holes. and wait.
till the time is ripe. till I am ripe
for the picking.
whimsical nonsense @ 12:46 AM
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Sunday, May 26, 2013
poor.
that was poor.
a pathetic excuse.
stop this game of charades.
even if life is a grand masquerade.
whimsical nonsense @ 12:53 AM
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for a few days now, I have been thinking.
that what I would really, really like would be good conversations.
I realise now it goes beyond that.
much more.
so much
weighing on my mind.
where do I begin?
whimsical nonsense @ 12:37 AM
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Friday, May 24, 2013
you wait for a silence
I wait for a word
lying next to your frame
girl unobserverd
you changed your position
and you're changing me
casting these shadows
where they shouldn't be
we're interrupted
by the heat of the sun
trying to prevent
what's already begun
you're just a body
I can smell your skin
and when I feel it
you're wearing thin
but I've got a plan
why don't you be the artist
and make me out of clay
why don't you be the writer
and decide the words I say
cause I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there at the end
only it's too hard to ask
won't you try to help me?
sat on your sofa
it's all broken springs
this isn't the place
for those violin strings
well I try out a smile
and I aim it at you
you must have missed it
you always do
but I've got a plan
why don't you be the artist
and make me out of clay
why don't you be the writer
and decide the words I say
cause I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there at the end
only it's too hard to ask
won't you try to help me?
you wait, I wait
casting shadows
interrupted
you wait, I wait
casting shadows
interrupted
you wait, I wait
casting shadows
interrupted
you wait, I wait
casting shadows
why don't you be the artist
and make me out of clay
why don't you be the writer
and decide the words I say
cause I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there at the end
only it's too hard to ask
won't you try to help me?
why don't you be the artist
and make me out of clay
why don't you be the writer
and decide the words I say
cause I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there at the end
only it's too hard to ask
won't you try to help me?
The Writer - Ellie Goulding
whimsical nonsense @ 1:43 PM
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Wednesday, May 15, 2013
the previous post alluded to a battle.
the final one.
there is a delay between the end of that battle, and this post.
a delay brought about by dengue.
10 days.
the duration in which I was somewhat compromised.
in a way, one can view it into two nice halves. the first five days being a rather hellish struggle with fluctuating fever and discomfort, and the next five days a period of recovery, and simply getting back to normal after dipping to the lowest point.
just to recall some salient points.
fever was bad. terrible. horrible experience.
experienced a rather wide spectrum of emotions and feelings. many thoughts ran through my mind too.
thankfulness, and a feeling of being blessed.
anyway, I'm sure the important things will remain in memory. it was rather memorable haha
if only because it occurred right after the end, delaying the enjoying.
first day today. so far so good.
I am a little excited about what I can do haha just need to prevent the procrastination monster from rearing its ugly head.
again.
whimsical nonsense @ 6:08 PM
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Sunday, April 28, 2013
I don't know why but the urgency element seems to be missing this time round. and it completely disappeared during the weekend by the way.
this is indeed rather worrying. there are so many things on my mind. I cannot seem to push them all out and focus on what is at hand.
I am unable to grasp the urgency. unlike last sem. maybe because Monday to Friday was a nicer 5 day framework for studying than this messy situation right now. and maybe because I fail to appreciate the differences in situation this time round (reminds me of the individual psychological tendency of learning by analogies from ps2239 haha).
whatever the case, it is probably going to be an interesting five days. in every sense of the word.
until then, it is going to be an uphill battle. the last charge up the hill.
let's pray that I don't fall into any potholes and injure myself before I even reach the battlefield.
if I die, let it be in glory.
while my guns may not be firing on all cylinders,
I shall take the hits with dignity.
but suffer in silence.
whimsical nonsense @ 12:19 AM
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Friday, April 19, 2013
time to slowly get into insane mode!!
I'm worried by my lack of worry.
and I feel like a hypocrite for saying that because just yesterday a friend said the exact same thing and I told her not to worry because everything will be fine. I can't seem to throw everything back at me. doesn't seem to work.
maybe I should start panicking. start by beginning to comprehend and grasp the enormity of the task ahead. perhaps then I would be more motivated (or pressured) to do something about it.
need to get the intellectual-version-of-adrenaline flowing!
ahhhh all you stupid distractions. away from me!
whimsical nonsense @ 12:25 PM
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Thursday, April 11, 2013
what is this feeling
so sudden and new?
I felt the moment
I laid eyes on you
my pulse is rushing
my head is reeling
my face is flushing
what is this feeling?
fervid as a flame
does it have a name?
yes,
loathing.
What is this feeling - Wicked
whimsical nonsense @ 11:58 PM
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Sunday, April 07, 2013
days like today is good.
probably helps that two major essays are now done and dusted. the disappointment that follows can wait another day. for the moment, I shall bask in this illusion of freedom.
it was a good change. something different from what has become all too familiar.
nights like tonight is good.
the urge to run. the itch to get out there and let the wind, well, just let it do whatever it is doing.
(this is poor)
whimsical nonsense @ 1:11 AM
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profile
Samuel Chan
7 January 1991
affliations
shuqun primary school
Henry Park Primary School
Anglo-Chinese School (Independent)
acdb8 / bb12thcoy / acspb / ac cross country
