seal accounts

2012-01-24T16:48:00.000+08:00

It is the second day of the Chinese New Year.
or Lunar New Year.

Strangely enough, I don't quite feel caught up with the festivities. The best part of all this is the long weekend which it provides, which is strange as it is considering the hongbaos that come during this period.

I feel like ennui has overtaken me.

~~~

Once this period of almost-guilt-free eating is over, I shall resolve to exercise more and lose the fats that I have accumulated over the past 7 months. There definitely has to be a reduction in the frequency of fast food intake.
4 times in a 7-day period is quite intense haha, even for me.

I would like to run more. if only, because.

~~~

Too many things going through my mind. All these different trains of thought.
Yet, not one completing its round. It begins and vapourises into the nothingness before it manages to develop properly.

My brain feels like a cursed breeding ground. Anything that has its beginning in it is bound to fail before it even has a chance to try (succeeding).

quite depressing.

~~~

I do not know quite what to make of it all.
I guess I can only wait for tomorrow, if tomorrow happens at all.

(and here I am reminded of the Andys going, "but what if, *breaks out into song* tomorrow never comes!". ah the memories.)

feeling quite messed up.
and I can't find my hard disk to top it all of.

2012-01-22T00:57:00.000+08:00

last friday was a good day.

making new friends. reacquainting with old ones. some element of water while still a bright sunny day. running on the track.

seriously, I don't quite know what else one could ask for. sounds like a perfect day.

I also like the 59.

~~~

it has been a most interesting week.
back to training. back to doing things which makes one sweat buckets. back to staying in.
and yet it has been arguably the best week of the year, although admittedly that's not saying much.

Perhaps, it is time for a change in lifestyle.

~~~

such damning revelations. I never knew it would be be so difficult to accept.
slowly coming to terms with it I suppose.

like most others, I'd go "should've seen it coming".

but that would be delusional. giving oneself undue credit as though I'm smart enough to know when in all honesty I could have had all the warnings but still not notice.

I've been blinded.
and I'm not sure if I am able to see now still.

tripping and falling.
with arms flailing.

2012-01-11T22:53:00.000+08:00

last minute insertion. better than nothing.

a little disappointed though. I thought I did well enough, but the ending is so unspectacular and perhaps even mediocre. I would like to blame it on the lack of decent support but I know that would be a little unfair. If only.

What if. If only.

I wonder what would be like if "If" doesn't exist.
haha honestly I don't think I can!

~~~

sigh, once again a victim of circumstances.

I'm feeling slightly random.

2012-01-09T23:12:00.000+08:00

first post of 2012!

I did not realise that it took so long.
9 days of the year have come and gone.

Possibly for the first time in my life, the New Year feels as arbitrary as it actually is.
It feels like there has been no significant change. probably due to the fact that my UIP/OD programme just carries on without regards for the calendar year, while in the past there has always been a new school year or a different work environment etc to bring about tangible change.

the seven was very different from its past counterparts, I must admit.
not entirely sure if that was the way I would like it to be, but it wasn't all that bad honestly.
just had a few little disappointments I suppose, but then again one cannot have it all.

there was a special spark though!

but more frustratingly, urghhh I don't even know how to put this into words.
the worst part is, I find it utterly ridiculous that I should feel this way.

><

2011-12-31T22:52:00.000+08:00

(not the best of reflections, but it's honest at least?)

This is it.

This is the last day of 2011.

It is time to reflect upon yet another year, one which is quite possibly the most eventful.

The beginning and The End of 2011 could not be so different.

A year ago, I found myself facing a further 16 months to that much anticipated date. A year on and it seems so much within my grasp that I can almost smell it.

A year ago, I was but an admin support assistant. Slightly ignorant and naive to the things that happened beyond the walls of my air-conditioned office. Now, I have experienced so many different facets of the world that was a mystery to me just a year ago.

I started out as a mere admin support assistant happily clearing his off, using it to return to the one and only track to build up his fitness. With anxiety, I made my way to the island to embark upon a journey that all must go through. Back to Basics. Excel Through Basics. Four months of the best life one could possibly and reasonably ask for. I managed to learn so much more, be exposed to worlds I only heard about, even those I did not know exist. I like to believe I really grew a lot. oh and managed to pick up a company best pt on the way.

Fraught with nervousness, I moved on to the next phase of my journey. Upon reflection, it was the best 8 weeks of my combat training. Again, I believe I had possibly one of the best life one could ask for in the situation. While I did switch off significantly, letting opportunities pass me by, I did inevitably grow from the experience. managed to pick up another company best pt.

With much uncertainty, I proceeded to my next phase, one that really surprised me. Now I understand the phrase "never in my wildest dreams". Possibly the most fulfilling phase of this year! There was simply so much to learn, so many lessons taught, so much to glean from everything! My only fear is that I will not be able to retain whatever I have gained. It would be such a pity. fell just short of best pt, like how I fell short of best knowledge, but it is enough that I managed to pick up the golden bayonet.

I admit it is a little narcissistic to say all of the following. I am happy that from my six months of spec training, I have some items to pass of as achievements. a foundation term road relay champion medal, the knowledge of being the foundation term company best pt (unfortunately no tangible rewards), an inter-formation tug-of-war bronze trophy, an inter-formation 4x 400m champion trophy, a combined arms term tag rugby champion medal, and finally a professional term golden bayonet. never once have I seen gold so often in such a short period haha.

After all has been said and done, there is only one thing left to wrap up this recollection of my training.

God has been in every single moment!

The postings I received right from the get go have always been rather favourable. In a very general sense, I may have excelled in where I have been but it was never possible without Him. there are so many (pivotal) moments where His grace and mercy were what pulled me through. Everything that I have achieved should be to His glory.

I'm just not sure if I have done that.
I'm sure I have certainly not shown the gratitude that He deserves.

new year resolution.

~~~

I like to think of 2011 as a defining year with regards to my social life.
Being away from home more often than previously, being tested in ways I am not entirely conditioned to, I begin to have a clearer awareness of my needs, and those who were there to meet them.
I am not sure of what is to stay or what is to go, or has yet to be released, but I like to think there is a greater clarity. that's all.

~~~

Circumstances of 2011 has led me to become such an inward-looking fool.

With a year of selfishly looking inside, with the heightened awareness of my strengths and weakness, with the greater clarity achieved with regards to my needs, with a sobering view of what I have done, may I simply grow better.

As I look forward to 2012, I find myself already missing 2011.

2011-12-24T11:48:00.001+08:00

Don't wish, don't start,
Wishing only wounds the heart.
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl.
There's a girl I know,
He loves her so,
I'm not that girl.

I'm Not That Girl - Wicked

2011-12-18T10:00:00.000+08:00

11 July 2011. The Beginning.
16 Dec 2011. The Finish.

It did not quite begin so well. I like to think it ended on a high note.

A massive journey.
I have no regrets. I have learnt a lot.

Now is the time to put the lessons to use.

Mental Block.

yesterday evening was nice. I liked it.
just saying.

2011-12-11T18:42:00.000+08:00

1 more week.

need to enjoy it as much as I can.
there is a part of me that simply wishes time would fast forward and bring me to one week from now.

the pressure is tremendous. I already disappointed once, in a huge way.
it really makes me question, was that really what I wanted all along?

a most bizarre week and weekend.

exceedingly frustrating.

2011-12-04T04:43:00.000+08:00

I have a new view towards Asian movies now.

It's not that I never liked them before, but it seems like I cannot dismiss them as callously as before.

The reason for saying all this is because I just watched You Are The Apple Of My Eye, a taiwanese film.

Along with thai films Hello Stranger, and Suckseed, I found myself being profoundly impacted by the movie. It just seems like I am able to connect with it.

I guess it is no coincidence that they are all romantic films.
but it does make me wonder why it is that I don't feel the same way about western films of the same genre.

ah well.
it may not be anything. since it doesn't mean I like all asian romantic films.

Just those three I mentioned.

2011-12-04T03:39:00.000+08:00

I am humbled.
and honoured.

I'll admit though, that I am happy.

there were times when pride crossed into arrogance,
but all in all I can only realise how undeserving I am.

undeserving of this goodness that is shown to me.

I am thankful.
and grateful.

2011-11-27T17:27:00.000+08:00

MLM.

Down.
so glad it is finally over.

2011-11-13T18:26:00.000+08:00

11/11/11, 1111hrs. (and 11 seconds).

That was kind of the highlight of the week, to be honest.
you would think of all the activities inside, and outside, would be far more significant, but yet they find themselves behind such a trivial thing.

Alright so I exaggerate. 12/11/11 was a bigger event.
wedding/wedding anniversary/death anniversary all rolled into one day.

But twelve 1s!
it was a rare sight to see my watch just have the number 1 in the entire screen.

Evidently my brain is dead.

~~~

feeling a little lost here. need some kind of direction.
feeling a little disoriented. need some kind of stability.
feeling a little lonely. need some kind of company.
feeling a little inadequate. need some kind of ability.

There was one particular MIB (men in black) episode where the alien was this figure slightly bigger than the size of one's palm. How it stayed incognito in this human world was that it built life-sized robots with incredible human resemblance. These palm-sized aliens then controlled the robot from the control room located in the "head" of the robots.

I don't remember much, except the scene where the 2 MIB guys moved one of the ears and the face opened up like a door on its hinges. Where the brain should have been, the alien was there, seated in a chair with various controls and joysticks.

Right now, I feel like that alien.
I feel like a separate being, watching everything from inside the head of this body I find myself in.

Except a virus has override all systems and I, the alien behind the controls, have lost control over this body.

I am now reduced to being an audience to the world outside, stuck in a claustrophobic capsule, and immensely bored. after all, I am merely sitting and watching, and what I see isn't even entertaining at all.

butthenagainevenifiamincontroliwouldnotknowwhattodowithit.

there is a particular person I miss.

2011-11-07T18:43:00.000+08:00

"It was a dark and stormy night."

alright I lie.
as I'm typing this, the weather outside my window is fantastic!
there is a nice cool breeze blowing right through the grills and cooling this small space of mine.
the sky is a bright blue with white all over, either in streaks or puffy shapes.
and the wind just caused the aroma of my mother's fish curry to waft in.
time check: 1830hrs.

what a glorious evening!

now I'm filled with regret (alright not really) and guilt that I was too lazy to run.
I cannot quite imagine how incredible it would be to have strapped on those striking yellow asics trainers of mine and went on a comfortable 6km run.
just to pound the pavement, giving my legs the stretch it needs and feeling the wind in my face, taking in the views of the chinese garden lake.

ah well. I shall just have to look out and see the occasional jogger going past and live vicariously through then.

the guilt.

~~~

9 weeks down. 5 more to go. things are going to be ramped up now.
somehow there is a sense of trepidation.
I won't deny that I'm scared.
afraid of what is to come. afraid of what will happen.
scared of how I will react, and more so what kind of person I will become.

I just watched The Fox And The Hound.
in one scene, Big Mama said "forever is a long, long time" (if I remember correctly).
then it struck me, yes.
forever is for a really long time.

time to set my eyes on what is forever, rather than what is temporal.

help me God.
I know it is not easy.

2011-10-17T19:51:00.000+08:00

hello.

there is something eating away

at me.

it is quite a painless process actually.

i'm just afraid there isn't enough of me to go around.

the lion king was really good though!

2011-10-09T23:37:00.000+08:00

This is ridiculous. There are so many things I feel like posting up here on this space, so that in days to come, I may be able to look back and know. When I finally do make my way here, my mind goes blank. almost every single time.

I shall resort to recounting the events of the week. or the past few weeks.
That should not really pose much of a problem I suppose, considering the events of the week.

It has been an extremely long week. A journey fraught with difficulties, both expected and unexpected. There was the taking up of an appointment which requires much finesse and skill to be able to delicately balance self-interest and self-preservation (of sorts). I never quite managed to find the balance I was seeking.

There was the seemingly ridiculous amount of odd jobs that we had to do. If they had any relevance to what we were doing, it may not seem like such a waste of time. But it did.

I have lost my train of thought. Too distracted.

2011-09-25T02:20:00.000+08:00

It has been a strange week.

It felt long. My thoughts, my concerns, and the like at the start of the week is vastly different from what they were in midweek, as is the case for the weekend as well.

For some reason, I find myself reminiscing about school.
That time was so long ago, that the memories are like faded photographs.

Is there any point in it all?

There is no continuity.

2011-09-11T00:22:00.001+08:00

a month has passed. what a difference a month makes.

when I typed my last post, I was worrying about field camp. that seems like an eternity ago, honestly.

field camp is now over. my greatest takeaway was to realise how irritating heat rash can be - how painful it feels like to have a thousand needles simultaneously poking at one's skin.

after field camp, and the somewhat disastrous wandering thereafter, came a rather blissful two weeks. even the much-hyped march felt more like a stroll in the park on hindsight.

alright admittedly it was not quite as comfortable as that. but it definitely did not come close to the bruising pain I expected. perhaps the flag had something to do with it.
[when things are thrust upon you, you better jolly well step up]

I am averse to Change.

Change came anyway.
Now I am back at square one.

When will it all end?
All this mindless ranting. All these seemingly purposeless actions.

When?

~~~

11 September 2011.

May they truly find rest.
Even though I know some made it, while others did not.

But the thought that all did is comforting anyway.

~~~

we all run from the truth anyway.

2011-08-09T15:32:00.001+08:00

I do not feel ready for this.
I am not up for it.

but then again, who ever is?

2011-08-08T14:30:00.000+08:00

halfway.

it is just about time to disappear for a while.
as things slowly progresses, it seems the disappearance could not have happened at a better time.

2011-07-31T02:17:00.000+08:00

three weeks down. six more to go.

on hindsight, time really does seem to move a little faster than before. this is probably due to perspective. within the space of a mere three weeks, a third of this training phase is over. unlike the previous phase where three weeks was not even a quarter-way through. hopefully at the end of the remaining six weeks, I will find myself contented with where the following thirteen weeks will bring me.

on a random note, by chance I ended up on some kind of retail therapy and bought a few things. I am most excited about the purchase of my fourth pair of asics shoes! despite my previous two trainers being GT 2110 and GT 2130, somehow the GT 2160 did not feel quite as comfortable. hm. I went with the DS Trainers, which happens to be my first pair of trainers (meant primarily for running) that is not white/grey based! I quite like the bright yellow that adorns the shoes. shall wait till next weekend to start clocking up some mileage with it.

one more thing to look forward to during the course of the week.

Question: Somehow or another, we will always be looking forward to something, be it the quiet evening at home after a hard day's work or a party with friends. Time simply chugs on. You wait with anticipation, you welcome it with cheer and you enjoy the moment thoroughly.
What happens after it has ended?

does one then move on to look forward to something else? perhaps the end of the next day, and the end of the following day as well?

it seems that all the things I look forward to are temporal and insignificant in this world.

where are my eyes turned to?
where should they be instead?

Where should I be?

2011-07-16T02:08:00.000+08:00

it was a good break. arguably one of the best in a long while.

what made it so good?

was it the events of that week?
was it because of what transcended prior to the week?

Is happiness derived from the reward in and of itself, or does it stem from the hardwork put in before?

~~~

I am no longer sure who I am anymore. A change of such a drastic degree has overcome me within a short span of time, that I wonder what could be the cause of it.

Did I change into something I am not.
or
Did I revert back into who I really am?

Was everything I did earlier, a lie?

2011-07-06T23:51:00.000+08:00

few and far between.

this space has been neglected.

my dying macbook is being neglected. probably due to the fact that it cannot connect to the wireless network in the living room for some strange reason. or that I simply do not spend as much time at home anymore, well not enough to spend it on the computer. or that I have an itouch to surf the net with (if I'm at home) or my blackberry if I'm out.

or a combination of all.

the primary, if not sole reason, for the maintenance of this blog is for it to become a documentary of sorts of my life. there is a significant amount of "history" in this space that my sentimental self is not too willing to relinquish. moreover, there is so much I could learn from reading my archives.

~~~

and so my BMT is finally over, all 17 weeks of it. and I am in the midst of enjoying a week's break.

sure, there were moments where I questioned the wisdom of recoursing. I still do.
however at the very least, regardless of what happens this friday, I have to admit and acknowledge the great learning experience it has been.

my brain is not used to being up at this hour, hence my inability to bring up what I want to say. I just know it's somewhere inside, but I can't seem to extract the bits stuck firmly inside.

it has been an incredible 17 weeks of learning.
about military-related things.
about society, collectively.
about people; group dynamics and individual personalities.
about self.

it is a little scary.
sometimes it feels like it is best to remain ignorant.

but then again, as Sewell pointed out in Black Beauty, ignorance is the devil's trademark (or something similar to it).

2011-06-15T22:53:00.001+08:00

a timely reminder

of who i am, and who i am not.

the struggle between what i want, and

what i feel compelled to do.

constrained.

or perhaps not.

rather confused now.

2011-06-04T02:54:00.000+08:00

I have no idea what I am doing still awake at this hour.

There needs to be something more. There has to be.

Why is it so easy to feel all the "negative" emotions?
Jealousy. Pride. Envy. Greed.

JPEG.

oh my.

~~~

Field Camp is over. twodownonemoretogo.
simply cannot wait for it to be over and done with.

2011-05-22T00:56:00.001+08:00

there was so much I wanted to say
so much that I felt like I needed to let out.

but I am in no mood to do so right now.
so much of me feels washed away
to whoever knows where. just some place far far away.

in slightly more than 24 hours, I'll be in some place "far far away".
time to be prepared.

no one told me how dangerous pride could be.
or perhaps they did. my pride merely stood in the way of me listening.

2011-05-17T03:05:00.000+08:00

my legs are itching for a run.
my lungs are aching for the cool night air. (but it will settle for the day's air)
my heart longs to work.

it has been so long since the last yearning for a run.
but it's late. too late.

it is time to forget it all, for
the curtain has come down.

2011-05-17T02:51:00.000+08:00

just to list it out, so that one day I can refer to it. and in the empty hope that it will induce me to act upon them. the following are the things I would like to start/finish (for those that I have already started on)

- paint my room
- finish the jigsaw puzzle
- read the girl who played with fire
- read that book I picked up at booksactually last year but whose title escapes me at the moment
- get my room in order
- get my life in order

the problem with me during the limited hours of book out time is I spend most of it slouched on the couch, watching stuff (sometimes random) on the tv and allowing the fats to build up.

the productivity meter is going negative.

I miss the night. the coolness that comes with it.
I miss the memories associated with the night.
there are so many things that I knew happened, yet they are so far back in the past that they appear like figments of my imagination.

did I merely dream my entire past?
there is so much disconnection with it that I am no longer sure if I'm 20 years old or a robot machine built to resemble a 20 year old but activated only on 7 march 2011.

2011-05-15T01:03:00.000+08:00

So much has happened, so little time to fully process it and internalize everything.

GE 2011. The news of Osama's death.

just two of the events I would like to know more about, read up on and all. alas my brain is dead and I can't go on any more.

There are so many things in this world that it would be insane to even attempt to understand it all. As such, most of us decides to focus our attention on a much narrower spectrum of things.

But, where's the fun in that?

2011-04-23T23:51:00.000+08:00

despite being out, something feels missing.

not used to this. and on a separate note, it has not been ideal preparation for tuesday's test of will and strength. oh well.

2011-04-10T15:36:00.000+08:00

First and foremost, I only have gratitude for this extended period to recall what life is like of the island. It is only to be expected that it be filled with sunshine, smiles, laughter and all things happy. expectations can be dangerous.

It has truly been a good break, and it matters not whether it was well-deserved or not. Finally, there is more than mere minutes, tired bodies and sleepy minds to think, mull and reflect. but what good is thinking if it leads to inaction.

What existed as intangible thoughts floating through my dreamosphere has thankfully been penned down, at least to a certain extent. It excites me somewhat as I think about what this could possibly become, if only I manage to dig deep and find the perseverance within to carry it on to the end.

While certain things have begun to form and take shape this weekend, there are a few things that have finally come to a close. Congratulations to those peers and friends of mine who have come through an arduous journey of 9 months to finally taste the satisfaction and contentment of reaching the goal you've been striving so hard for. I only have best wishes as you embark on the new path that awaits you. Congratulations should go to those who have finished another journey of their own. The sense of happiness is the same even if the journey was a much shorter 9 weeks and likewise, as you go through your next phase I hope it will prove to be as fulfilling and enriching as it could possibly be.

As Harvey "Two-Face" Dent would like to put it, there is always two sides to a coin. There was one particularly poignant moment yesterday, when what was not meant to be became reality. It was stupidity on my part, for lacking the foresight. It was sheer ignorance on the other party's part, not to mention mischief coupled with a lack of basic courtesy. It irks me that what was a prized trophy had to be brought down in such a shameful and derogatory manner. What makes matters worse is the presence of those who are unable to empathize (at all) and yet have the audacity to comment with a know-it-all tone.

As I express sadness and regret over the misdeed of someone, I would like to admit my guilt as well. My carelessness has resulted in irreparable damage on someone else's possession.

Yet with these two cases, I can only remind myself of the linear nature of time. It matters not what you do and think, time simply moves on. Perhaps it is time for me to do the same.

2011-04-07T00:39:00.000+08:00

One of the questions that I have been (somewhat) mulling over from time to time.

Can pre-determination and freewill co-exist in a secular universe?

~~~

Just some feeble attempts to delude myself into thinking I'm still capable of intellectual thought. With every day that passes by, I find it more and more difficult to believe in such a delusion.

~~~

Caught between two different spheres. I find satisfaction in both. There is interest within me for both. While I thrive in neither, I can take comfort in my almost-assured survival in both spheres as well.

I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons here, a simple cost benefit analysis. I find myself well and truly stuck, sitting on the fence. This straddling cannot go on forever and I dread the day when a forced decision has to be made.

2011-04-07T00:26:00.001+08:00

indifference. apathy. complacency.

I was fortunate to be able to come out so early. practically unheard of.
the thing about good fortune is that it is extremely difficult to repay it.

extremely.

2011-04-02T01:58:00.000+08:00

I was wrong.
about almost everything.

Right now, I feel exactly like how World Spins Madly On, by The Weepies, puts it.

bit by bit, things are failing.

2011-03-26T18:58:00.000+08:00

Existentialist Struggles.

Despite having been on this earth for two decades, I still find myself having to deal with basic and rudimentary questions. Admittedly the answers to these questions are not easy to come by, however at the very least one should have an inkling as to where to obtain them. I have none. I have not found my "square one".

It is almost the end of my time out. I spend a most significant amount of time inside now, while I have spent every other time (in my entire life) outside. All of a sudden, the distinction becomes so great on one hand, that it is clearly (go) in and (come) out. On the other hand, things are becoming so blurred that I find myself confused. The inside place is temporary, the outside the real world. I find myself with a stronger sense of belonging to that inside place.

really?

2011-03-25T01:47:00.000+08:00

First Bookout.

It feels somewhat good to be home after all those days elsewhere.
Yet I can't shake off the feeling that home is so unfamiliar now.
Everything seems so strange.

On another note, I spent a really long time going through the tumblr posts of the people I'm following. It is rather incredible how many posts there are in the space of 18 days. Looking at all of it makes me feel so disconnected from the world.

It isn't so much in the sense that I have no idea about major global events (i.e. the 8.9 magnitude earthquake off the coast of Japan that triggered a devastating tsunami which in turn brought about destruction, danger and death). It seems that all that I have been doing in the past two and a half weeks were so vastly different from everyone else that you are actually existing in a separate universe.

I suppose the isolation worked. and I have no idea what I am writing any longer.

I just know right now, I feel utterly shallow and superficial.
not to mention stupid.

2011-03-06T23:45:00.000+08:00

afraid.
alone.

but how I feel does not matter now.
merely inconsequential and irrelevant specks in the grander scheme of things.
this does not make sense anymore.

2011-03-01T23:48:00.000+08:00

Harvey Dent aka Two-Face has an "obsession with duality and fate". (quoting Wikipedia)

I like that. perhaps if I have the time and mental capacity, I shall spend these last few days pondering upon duality, fate and destiny.

2011-02-25T00:46:00.000+08:00

BMT recourse is coming up, and with it a whole new lifestyle.

the expected anxiety is beginning to set in.

existential struggles.

2011-02-22T12:03:00.000+08:00

lost in the dark recesses of my soul.

black swan took me on an intense journey, opening my eyes to the darkness that exists in all of us. the darkness that threatens to overwhelm.

2011-02-20T23:45:00.002+08:00

not too long ago, I was talking about being haunted by the past.

all of a sudden, it appears that in reality I was the one who couldn't let go.
I was simply stuck in all that has been.

in two weeks time, I'm probably going to embark on another chapter in my NS story.
that prospect looms over me. just another nagging thought in the head. amongst many others.
I feel like dropping everything right now. forget it all and enter into that next phase with no baggage.

it is probably not going to be easy but I am fairly determined to succeed.

strange and funny how the things that I feel any remote drive to do well are inconsequential to life. a wicked sense of humour.

everything is in a mess right now. I need to get yesterday's surprising onset of melancholic emotions out soon, simply because.

drop everything. forget it all. put it all behind.
stop searching for answers, leave it open-ended.

2345.

2011-02-15T22:54:00.000+08:00

I need to get better, I need to get better.

simply because being sick makes one feel like crap.

~~~
back and forth, back and forth.

retches.

2011-02-11T18:06:00.000+08:00

there is much confusion right now, coupled with uncertainty.

out of boredom, I shall attempt to put into words the moments I love and would figuratively give an arm to experience them exactly as I imagine them to be.

1. running with the feeling as if you could go on forever

2.running just as a storm threatens, with a strong breeze blowing as dark clouds gather overhead. preferable if the leaves of the tree are rustling while the dried ones drift across the path

3. sharing the company of a comfortable friend as the sky is a steely grey, along with a cool breeze, as we soak in the atmosphere and enjoy the easy conversation (and silence)

4. releasing frustration through sprint workouts where you don't die after a few sets

5. being greeted by a beautiful sunset as you make your way home after a most tedious day of work

6. walking towards a wonderful sunrise which dispels the gloominess of traversing to work

7. sitting under the clear and starry night sky enjoying the cool night air (and breeze) against your skin as you lose your thoughts to the music playing in your ears

8. for emphasis sake, running with the feeling as if you could go on forever

~~~

done and dusted.

with no clue what I am doing.

2011-02-08T23:02:00.000+08:00

there I was again tonight
forcing laughter, faking smiles

Enchanted - Taylor Swift

2011-02-07T22:53:00.000+08:00

cause for a moment a band of thieves in ripped up jeans
got to rule the world

Long Live - Taylor Swift

2011-02-05T23:43:00.000+08:00

braced myself for the goodbye
cause that's all I've ever known

Mine - Taylor Swift

2011-02-04T23:59:00.000+08:00

this is looking like a contest

of who can act like they care less

the story of us - taylor swift

2011-02-04T01:38:00.000+08:00

red cliff and red cliff 2.

directed by John Woo.

a true epic.
what intelligence and genius! presented in a wonderful fashion that leaves one breathless.

clearly I have no idea what I'm talking about and have resorted to plain adjectives with no real meaning.

but I like both shows. that I know.

everything else, I don't.

2011-02-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

I'm just another thing for you to roll your eyes at, honey.

better than revenge, by Taylor Swift.

~~~

it's Chinese New Year! Gong Hei Fatt Choy!

2011-01-30T23:59:00.000+08:00

bereft of inspiration. of any sort.

the past continues to haunt. the threads hang on. simply cling on to you.
while I. I cannot bear to cut them away.

let the deadweight drag me down into the abyss.

2011-01-28T23:10:00.000+08:00

it can get frustrating at times. that I know roughly what the problem is. worse still that I know exactly what the solution should be.
but not do it.

what is the point of knowing then?

~~~

the rain I wished for did not fall.
but then again, neither did the tears I hoped for.

at least I got some mileage clocked. with a relatively good pace.
I feel it coming back. bit by bit.

2011-01-28T00:41:00.000+08:00

that is when I know why.

it is not a good answer. but it is the truth.

now the question no longer is why. it is what.
what am I going to do about it?

2011-01-23T23:45:00.001+08:00

it seems like this is all I need.

it is a complacency born out of sheer arrogance, I know.

it really does feel like it is enough.

~~~

there are certain things of the past I cannot help but miss.
it is just me to dwell on history rather than to look toward the future.
especially now, when what is ahead is almost beyond your control. even if that is not the case, it is not really worth the anticipation or even the slightest attention.

moreover, I like to think and believe there is so much one can learn.
there is so much to think and mull over. just go through it over and over again.

the night.

2345.

2011-01-23T00:47:00.000+08:00

I miss sitting at my table, facing the window.
The cool evening air flows in,
as I listen to music that tends to put me into a pensive mood.

Be Be Your Love - Rachael Yamagata.

reminds me of times that have long passed.
friends that have ceased to be, although their existence on this good earth is still present.

The night is a friend.
the stars, the cool breeze and occasionally the moon.

I watched the stars from my window sill, the whole world is moving, and I'm standing still.

World Spins Madly On - The Weepies

2011-01-22T00:42:00.000+08:00

breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep.

Sometimes I don't quite understand what I am doing anymore. The only comfort is that there are a good number of others out there who share the same sentiments.

the scent of your hair, that you twirled in your fingers.

2011-01-17T23:12:00.000+08:00

bit by bit, I'm rediscovering the joys of running.

shall just hope that the machinery is up to it.

2011-01-14T00:27:00.000+08:00

to lose myself in all that is around.
I can't help it as U2's bass riff begins to surround.

induce.

I miss those times. those nights. where I just laid there with "ruth" for company
as I lose myself in my thoughts.

2011-01-11T22:16:00.000+08:00

All my life I've been good, but now?
I, I, I, am thinking what the hell

What the hell - Avril Lavigne

2011-01-09T18:45:00.000+08:00

lately, I find myself entering a dark room. the lights are out. I have to grope my way around as my feet stumble and struggle to find a clear path to move onwards.

there is utter silence. the sound of death. there is no one else in the room.
except ghosts.

I cringe each time I catch sight of these ghostly figures. my heart is wrenched whenever the faces become visible. my mind is flooded with unwanted memories that no longer have a part in this world. they have been banished to the room of dead memories.

this is where I find myself.

stuck. and haunted.
still.

2011-01-04T21:51:00.000+08:00

Today was perhaps the ultimate sian day.

It was just so bad. Time just stopped existing. The thing is, it is only Tuesday. Not even halfway through the week.

Perhaps it is partly to do with the fact that I'm finally back to work after a relatively slack December.

I just don't know how much longer I can go.

2011-01-02T23:59:00.000+08:00

there are a couple of flaws with my 3 day old blackberry. trivial they might be but it's driving me crazy.

sometimes I hate being so particular (slight OCD perhaps?) about certain absolutely non-critical matters.

but I hate it more when it doesn't appear exactly so! omg this is rather infuriating.

2011-01-02T23:50:00.000+08:00

It has been an interesting start to the year. It has been a mere two days but already it feels much longer than that.

The honeymoon period is over. Tomorrow everyone returns back to their respective workplaces, with Monday blues never striking so hard. Ah well.

~~~

I'm bored. I realised I did this on facebook last year and I shall answer them again just to see how much I have changed. New answers for 2010 shall be in the brackets.

WHAT WAS YOUR :
1. Last beverage : water (water)
2. Last phone call : apparently to my elder sister. 2 days ago (to chern hwee)
3. Last text message: zhiming (chern hwee)
4. Last song you listened to : adia (hopeless love, by daphne loves derby)
5. Last time you cried : don't know (16 December 2010)

HAVE YOU EVER :
6. Dated someone twice : nope (still no)
7. Been cheated on : nope (still no)
8. Kissed someone & regretted it : no to both (still no to both)
9. Lost someone special : not physically (yes)
10. Been depressed : haha not medically. but super sad yeah (same answer)
11. Been drunk and threw up : no (not drunk. threw up yes)

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS :
12. red (red)
13. pink (pink)
14. reddish pink? (white)

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU : (2009)
15. Made a new friend : i think so (for 2010, thankfully yes)
16. Fallen out of love : no? (still no)
17. Laughed until you cried : haha no (no)
18. Met someone who changed you : hmm maybe (yes)
19. Found out who your true friends were : i don't know (yes)
20. Found out someone was talking about you : no (no)
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list : wth no (wth no?!)
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life : most i guess (most)
23. How many kids do you want to have : never really thought about it seriously (still the same)
24. Do you have any pets : do fishes count? (no change)
25. Do you want to change your name : noooo (no)
26. What did you do for your last birthday : celebrate? (grieve before being cheered up by friends)
27. What time did you wake up today : 10something (10)
28. What were you doing at midnight last night : on the computer (on the computer)
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for : going heaven! (yes that too. but right now ORD)
30. Last time you saw your Mother : err half an hour ago? (an hour or so ago)
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life : shh secret (there is just one thing)
32. What are you listening to right now : innocence (still hopeless love by daphne loves derby)
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom : hmm i don't really recall... (yes)
34. What's getting on your nerves right now : me not studying (going back to the office tomorrow)
35. Most visited webpage : hotmail/gmail (hotmail/gmail/facebook/tumblr)
36. Whats your real name : Chan Yinghao, Samuel (like there's going to be a change)
37. Nicknames : alotalot (yeah alotalot. sure)
38. Relationship Status : single and unavailable (very much single and unavailable)
39. Zodiac sign : capricorn (capricorn)
40. Male or female? : lol half male half female! yeah right. male (male)
41. Elementary : shuqun/henry park (the same)
42. Middle School? : acsi (the same)
43. High school/college? : acsi (the same)
44. Hair colour : black (still black)
45. Long or short : short! (unfortunately still short)
46. Height : averagely short. or short. (short)
47. Do you have a crush on someone? : lol i crush everyone! (no. I'm in control)
48. What do you like about yourself? : almost nothing (nothing much)
49. Piercings : eww no way! (never)
50. Tattoos : i'd kill myself first (never)
51. Righty or lefty : right (right)

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery : er, does lasering stuff count? (nothing invasive)
53. First piercing : don't have one (don't have)
54. First best friend : err, joel i think. (yeah same)
55. First sport you joined : cross-country (cross-country)
56. First vacation : malaysia (i think it's malaysia)
58. First pair of trainers : some north star one? i don't know (same)

RIGHT NOW
59. Eating : nothing (nothing)
60. Drinking : nothing (water, occasionally)
61. I'm about to : finish this thingy (sleep)
62. Listening to : keep holding on (still hopeless love by daphne loves derby)
63. Waiting for : me to finish this quiz (the time to go and sleep)

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids? : haven't really thought seriously about it (not really)
65. Get Married? : i guess (probably)
66. Career?: build houses for habitat for humanity. i think (it's a blur)

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes : eyes. definitely! (eyes)
68. Hugs or kisses : er, hugs? (hugs)
69. Shorter or taller : taller i guess (taller)
70. Older or Younger : how young is young? (I don't get this)
71. Romantic or spontaneous : haha neither? (spontaneous)
72. Nice stomach or nice arms : both! (both!)
73. Sensitive or loud : sensitive (sensitive)
74. Hook-up or relationship : relationship (relationship)
75. Trouble maker or hesitant : huh? (hesitant. only because I don't like the sound of trouble maker)

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger : nope (not even close)
77. Drank hard liquor : does vodka count? (used to, a little)
78. Lost glasses/contacts : no (no)
79. Sex on first date : yeahyeah of course! dude no! (no!)
80. Broken someone's heart : errr haha i don't think so? (not for me to say)
82. Been arrested : nope! (no)
83. Turned someone down : yeah (perhaps)
84. Cried when someone died : err so far no (unfortunately, yes)
85. Fallen for a friend? : haha i guess? (close enough)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself : not really (no)
87. Miracles : yeah (yes)
88. Love at first sight : no (no)
89. Heaven : yep (yes)
90. Santa Claus : hahaha (hahahahaha)
91. Kiss on the first date : no (no)
92. Angels : yeah (yes)

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time : nope! (no)
95. Did you sing today? : err yeah i did (yes)
96. Ever cheated on somebody : nooo... (thankfully no)
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? : i rather not? (I rather go forward in time to pass my ORD)
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? : hm last year... maybe that day after econs deans list (a singular day. I can't quite decide)
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? : maybe (yes)
100. Posting this as 100 truths? : huh i don't get it (still don't quite get it)

Well, not that much has changed. But I kind of like this kind of quizzes. It asks the questions you never really thought about.

2010-12-31T18:45:00.001+08:00

Happy New Year!

2010-12-30T00:12:00.001+08:00

It is less than an hour before it comes down to the last two days of the year. It is inevitable to look back at 2010, and perhaps the decade even, since that is what most people are doing. Newspapers have already begun to review the year that is about to pass, recalling the highs and the lows.

To me, it seems like saying 2010 was an eventful year would be understating things. At the start of the year, for a few short days, I was fretting nervously and anxiously over the release of my IB results. Thereafter I just whiled my days away as I awaited enlistment into National Service. There was the financially rewarding Airshow stint, although my greatest gain was the experience, as cliche as it may sound. That was followed by an internship at church. For some reason I do not feel like commenting.

Perhaps it is due to the phenomenon of time slowing down upon enlistment that makes those three and half months prior to 19 April 2010 seem exceedingly far away.
Anyway, there came that fateful day where a civilian life was traded in for a military one. I was fortunate or unfortunate, however one may see it, to enlist as a clerk. I have served just over eight months now, and it has been a most eventful eight months. I believe it was an introductory step into the real world. I was suddenly exposed to certain kinds of people, certain politics that I was not accustomed to. Thankfully I was not dropped into the deep end of the pool but was led slowly and gradually into the end where everyone struggles to stay afloat or simply just drown and die.
how exciting.

It may not be fair right now since these memories are the freshest in my mind, but December 2010 has been a month that I am unlikely to forget for the foreseeable future. There was the Japan trip, which in itself would make any month in any given year a memorable one. Upon coming back to Singapore, the dreariness did not quite set in until a while later. On one hand, that allowed me to view many things in a more positive light. On the other hand, those events and the subsequent positive feelings helped to fuel the feel-good emotions, causing them to last a while more. Kind of a symbiotic relationship. Lastly, the month and the year ends with the Young Adults Retreat. It was my first, and a very good experience actually. Just hoping that things can continue to climb up rather than slide down from here. By that I mean spiritually speaking.

Ah well. Life moves on whether we like it or not. But I'm not particularly worried because I know whose side I am on. With God on my side, who can go against Him?

2010-12-21T00:20:00.000+08:00

just watched Disney's rapunzel. thank goodness they seem to be back on the right track.

and so it begins, this journey of self-reflection.
for the year. for the month. for the week. there is so much to look back upon, so many memories to recall and even more to mull over.

but I'm up for it. this is what I like. to just let the thoughts flow, flitting from one random memory to the next, wherever it chooses to go. just have to set up certain boundaries to prevent these thoughts from running wild and overwhelming what my mind can handle.

thoughts can be dangerous.
and that's what I love about them.

~~~

it is scary how certain things can pull so convincingly on your heartstrings that you find yourself being completely manipulated such that your inner most desire is to play a most melodious tune even if it is against the wishes of your conscious mind.

I don't pretty much understand what I wrote above, but I find it makes for an interesting block on which to build upon.

2010-12-20T00:20:00.000+08:00

all of a sudden, I'm really unsure of what I am doing.

uncertainty clouds the path ahead.
I embarked on a journey without a clear game plan, and this lack of vision and direction has finally caught up to haunt me.

unnecessary distress. nonetheless, I shall just try to enjoy the present.
who knows when will be the next time I have this much fun?

indeed, who knows?

2010-12-18T23:42:00.000+08:00

just a random thought as I watched another episode of fugitive: plan b.

is loving more tiring, or living a life without love?

I'll go for the latter!

2010-12-18T22:06:00.000+08:00

it has been a long time since I last felt like this.
since I last felt like my body was about to fall apart, as a result of my chest exploding.
should I have ran alone, I would never be able to dig as deep as I did today,
would not find the mental strength within to continue pushing.

the pain was good. I miss it. I miss the satisfaction that comes from the knowledge that you did try your best, or close enough.
words fail me now as I attempt to describe the whole experience of returning to cross and training. it was only when I returned last week that I realised all along that it wasn't running per se that I was so passionate about, but rather the friendships, the afternoons and evenings together, getting out of breath together as we push each other to the limits.

mileage is clocked up. timings decreased. bonds formed. just about sums up everything I like.

I suppose a few good things do come at a price.
left knee kinda died again. didn't help that I still went to play soccer after that but I think I would still do the same haha. strawberry-scented shower yet again. crystal jade lmxlb lunch. tears-hiding rain. pain-inducing stairs. tiring and eventually wasted journey to ubi. an even more exhausting trip back home.

my body is tired. but I'm happy.
and it is rather difficult to argue against that, don't you think?

2010-12-17T01:03:00.000+08:00

so far I have been taking it as a game. one that goes on for however long it may last.

if today was a match, I would have lost.

my defences are failing and my reflexes less sharp.
but I'm interested to see the result of this game.

I shall continue playing.

may the best person win.

2010-12-17T00:36:00.000+08:00

hidden agendas and role-playing.

I realised that pretty much sums up my life right now. I have been role-playing for so long now, a number of months to be exact. it has reached the extent that now I am no longer sure who I am inside. oh the risk of playing with a mask all too often. you begin to lose yourself.

now, for hidden agendas. to be honest there is only one right now, but the plural simply sounds more suspicious. the strange thing that bothers me is my own lack of knowledge regarding this agenda. while I know of its existence, everything else about it remains very much a mystery. the details of the agenda, the rationale behind, the purpose and the future direction, etc.

well, I suppose it is a slightly fun thing to occupy my mind with. the problem is, thinking only comes about when I put on my mask. since it's a mask and it's very purpose is merely for show, I end up "thinking".

"thinking" provides no headway in anything. it merely draws one into an illusion; the illusion of progress. that is dangerous, imagined progress whilst stagnation and perhaps even backsliding occurs. that has got me fearful.
fearful for what lies ahead.
afraid of the consequences of my actions now, or lack thereof.

as the year comes to a close, I shall begin to enter a more reflective mood. it is always nice to look back.
especially when there is nothing to look forward to.

2010-12-09T16:07:00.000+08:00

Japan.

The few days spent there were so packed full of activities and traveling. Yet this merely lengthened the trip, figuratively of course, allowing one to build up an immeasurably large storage of memories. I couldn't have asked for more.

Indeed, God was so good during those few days that I was never left wanting. On the contrary, I found myself marveling at what He had done. Looking at Mount Fuji, the surrounding hills and ranges, the valleys, redorangeyellow autumn leaves is a firm reminder of the beauty that is Creation. As I recall the sheets of rain that poured upon landing in Japan and up to reaching Tokyo Disneyland, not to mention the looming grey clouds threatening rain as we roamed about Universal Studios Japan, it is a wonder that for the entire duration we were in both parks, not a single drop of water fell from the sky. I know for sure now, that He answers prayers.

There are so many different places that we visited, each with its own unique characteristic(s). It is no surprise then that the vast array of memories and experiences makes this trip one that is truly overwhelming. The fact that I could share all those moments with family makes it that much more personal and meaningful.

It is probably not unique to Japan. This probably applies to most holiday trips. You leave your homeland physically while figuratively leaving behind your troubles and woes to get away from it all as you enter a foreign land refreshed. With a clean slate, you soak up all that there is like a sponge, savouring every single moment and archiving it all somewhere in your brain. When I feel like it, I shall pull open the drawer, locate the intended file and start reliving the memories and the associations you placed it on while on location.

On occasion, these mental images and experiences so chocked full of happiness, smiles, laughter and everything that is full of sunshine are what keeps me going as the dark clouds gather overhead. It is like storing up a little of that magical sunshine inside to use on a rainy day.

Right now I feel so ready to believe in magic. Of course there is the real "magic" that is the power of God, but there is also the magic that causes one to feel that everything is going to be alright.

Some call that sheer foolish optimism lacking a dose of realism.
I call that magic.

Everyone needs that once in a while. Now, refreshed and in livelier spirits, it is time I face up to this harsh world and its cruel realities. But I shall not be daunted for I know that He who is inside of me is infinitely bigger than what is before me.

You have no idea how much comfort that brings.

Japan trip, 2010. Like all other family holidays, it has been firmly etched into my memories.

2010-12-02T03:16:00.000+08:00

hopefully it will be a new dawn.

2010-11-25T23:48:00.000+08:00

perhaps the law of averages is more than mere myth.

not to say it is real. just that perhaps there is slightly more truth in what has been said.

on a separate note, I'm glad I still have friends.
they really do make things a little more tolerable.

having said that, I still believe life on this earth will only get increasingly tougher.
I'm not ready.

I'm almost never ready.

2010-11-24T23:52:00.000+08:00

No one told me life would be this tough.

but even if they did, what difference would it make anyway?

preparation prior to the test is important. it is crucial in fact.
but only the willing would undertake the necessary preparatory actions.
those with a desire to pass the test. to grit their teeth and push through the pain, overcoming
all obstacles that stand in their path.

alright no I can't continue with this. I'm losing my train of thought.
I'm losing courage. I've lost determination.
I'm losing the ability to fight. I've lost my defences.

where's my white flag?

2010-11-20T00:24:00.000+08:00

one day, crayons will colour my life.

for now, it's very much a black and white affair.
and it'll remain that way.

until I can figure out a way to put the colours together. apparently they don't mix well. not as well as colour pencils.

but black and white is nice.

And how dare that you send me that card when I'm doing all that I can do
You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you

- elephants, rachael yamagata

2010-11-19T23:59:00.000+08:00

out of the blue, I have this sudden urge to see someone online so that we can talk.
it was nice to be able to talk to a friend that is not text-based (i.e. msn, sms, facebook etc)

alas, it still has to be via virtual means.
but nevertheless, I miss non-text-based means of communication.
obviously I'm discounting people I see on a regular basis.

strange how you never really miss something until you're reminded about it.

2010-11-18T23:23:00.000+08:00

listening to kate voegele songs really brings back memories.

unfortunately some of these memories only serve to hurt.
but they're still nice to bring up from the archives once in a while.
it's so difficult to believe that these memories only occurred last year. alright granted it was in the first half of last year, but it still seems immensely far away!
they don't even feel like memories sometimes. they just seem like figments of my imagination.
or fragments of this really long dream I had one night.

dreams. they die.
man. we die.

zombies. they don't die.

2010-11-12T22:41:00.001+08:00

I can't do this. not now.

2010-11-11T22:22:00.001+08:00

copeland.

thanks, you have been a great help.
much appreciated.

help. mmhmm yeah. help.

a shell filled with addictive melodies will do fine.

hey it's 2222hrs. make a wish?

2010-11-01T22:32:00.000+08:00

hm, it's been a long while since I last had suicidal tendencies.

guess it's not a good start to the month.

2010-10-25T23:45:00.000+08:00

just a continuation of my teenage rants about life. following the complaint that I'm not doing anything.

it is amazing how easy ideas form in the brain.
it is even more amazing how difficult it is for these ideas to take any other form.

suppose I create a list, one that displays the things I would like to do in clear black and white, would it help?
or would it merely cause me to be contented at creating a list. I'm afraid I would simply say, "well I've got my list written out now. that's the first step of my thousand-mile journey" and funnily enough be stuck at that very first step.

curse that thing called complacency!

on a completely irrelevant side note, I find myself adjusting somewhat well to the life I struggled so desperately to adapt to just a few months back. it may be sad that I'm no longer fighting against the tide (of loss) but it seems so much easier to go with the flow.

it's easier to go with the flow.
just like it's easier to have ideas than to act on them.

this lifestyle of taking the easy way out is becoming too comfortable.
ironically too close for comfort.

I fear the day I can't go any where else besides the easy way.

2010-10-21T22:13:00.000+08:00

I really wish I had artistic talent - there are so many things I wish I could draw.

I see pictures in different styles, and I feel this great yearning within to be able to replicate the style.

so much wishing. so much thinking.
very little doing.

and that pretty much sums up my dull unexciting life.

2010-10-19T22:55:00.000+08:00

and so I find myself returning to the peculiar state of seemingly living in third-person.

I watch my life unfold before me, without any conscious decision being made on my part - everything simply happens.

well, at least I get front row seats. you can't ask for more, can you?

2010-10-16T01:00:00.000+08:00

thankfully, what started out as a poor week ended on a relatively high note.
perhaps it had to do with the fact that I did not go to the office on the last day of the week!

spent most part of this extra day to walk. it was an insane amount of walking, with a load. it's definitely not even half as bad as the route marches my peers have gone/will go through, but for an unfit, unconditioned poor soul, it was difficult. before long the aches started to sneak in, as the cash flowed out. unfortunately ):

seriously spent way too much today. kept telling myself since I'm all the way there, I might as well spend. there is a very small, next to impossible chance that I'll be there again. I probably won't spend my off to revisit a place I've gone to unless it's with someone. I might make an exception for that, depending on who haha

I guess I can be grateful that there are a few things in life that are for free. such as sight! and while getting a camera and charging the battery costs money, shooting pictures with the camera doesn't. for that I'm highly grateful.

I'm still stuck in the low ranks of beginners and ignorant amateurs, but I'm really hoping at least some pictures will turn out good. it's really too difficult to judge on the viewfinder, especially with overhead sunlight making it difficult to see anything at all, much less evaluate how the picture turn out (to see if there's a need to alter the settings and do a retake). it was a good experience. I'm hoping I'll be able to put "learning" between the "good" and "experience" but I'll just have to wait until I can look at the pictures properly.

well, it's time to work life on a budget. I tell myself that all the time.
strange how these things never seem to work out.

plans almost always fail to be executed exactly as planned.
awry is the expected.

things turning out way better than planned,
that's unexpected.
and for once, the unexpected is good.

2010-10-11T23:19:00.000+08:00

monday blues.

I've never felt them as intensely as today. it's not so much the blues of sadness but rather the blues referring to an extremely difficult situation.

as the hongmonster said, it appears that the cosmic forces of the universe were against me. thankfully I have a pirate among the stars, and pretty soon the stars will realign against me and everything will be alright (:

well that's the plan anyway. and plans almost always go awry.

this week doesn't promise to be a good week.

the work is piling up.
as it always is. so that's not too bad.

the week has only just started and it's already become unbearable.
but it isn't the first week where monday blues really strike right home.

the self had to function on just a mere 3+ hours of sleep, seriously inhibiting normal functionality.
but the self has gone through worse and come out still alive, or at least surviving.

the aircon completely died and refused to be revived for most of the day.
and that just killed off any desire to do work.
one breaks out into an uncomfortable warm sweat just by sitting in the swivel chair and not moving at all. don't even talk about working.
the air was unbearably warm and stuffy, and the comfort level was dipping into the negatives.

the plumbing of the building has been spoilt for a while. no functioning tap, toilet flushes and all. just another level of inconvenience.

I had to go through all that with a stiff neck. the poor result of raving rabbids. honestly I have no idea how it came about.
but yes the stiff neck made sure any remaining threads of desire to do work were laid to rest.

my language is failing me.

2010-10-07T23:42:00.000+08:00

just watched The Blind Side.

so I'm about a year late. but then again I'm late for just about anything. but I digress from the reason why I'm typing a post.

one should note that this post is slightly biased, since feelings about a movie are usually enhanced when one has just watched it.

The Blind Side brings about an additional dimension to the term "heartwarming".

tt was simply filled with sweet moments, which seek to bring out the tears that are the result of a touched heart. I was fearful while watching that there may come an unhappy ending, to burst that feel-good bubble that was growing with each passing minute. thankfully it didn't.

there was a happy ending. one that would make a fairy-tale proud.

I'm glad I caught this show. however dramatized it may be, I'd like to think that I saw a glimpse of the potential of human beings. don't burst the happy bubble I'm living inside at this very present moment, thank you.

by tomorrow, it's back to the harsh realities of this world.
but perhaps there might be a slight spring in my step, as I remind myself that as long as the sun shines in the morning sky, there is a dawn.

where there is dawn, there is hope.
when there is hope, you know you have something worth being patient for.

2010-10-05T23:15:00.001+08:00

I don't think I'm able to "multi-task" anymore. It is becoming increasingly difficult to do anything outside of what I'm doing in the office that requires any use of my limited mental capacity.

although the line between work (in the office) and anything else outside is rather clear, I just find myself going home and trying to lose myself in all things unrelated to the office; purging myself of the day's experiences momentarily, only to be revived the following day.

perhaps it's purely laziness. I simply want to return home and slack my time away. yes that's probably it.

but it doesn't change the fact that I'm unable to commit myself properly. I don't know how others do it. how others, especially adults in the real working world, are able to handle their job commitments and still do things outside of their office. such as helping out in church ministries, or in some committee. it baffles me.

clearly I still have a lot to learn.
perhaps too much.
but that applies to everyone. our learning is never complete.

the scary thing is, I seem to have lost the desire for continual learning.
it seems I am contented to stagnate at the miserable state that I am in right now.

thinking about it really frightens me.

2010-10-02T23:32:00.000+08:00

I DON'T LIKE MY BLOG'S BACKGROUND. I'M GOING TO CHANGE IT ONE DAY.

I DON'T LIKE LIFE
NOW. NOT REALLY.

but there really isn't much one can do about it.
except to trudge right on.

2010-09-30T23:33:00.000+08:00

I've come to realise that stress is ever-present in this world that we live in. there is truly no way to escape it, unless you escape life itself.

and yet not all stress is an evil. in fact, the pressure that accompanies is said to be able to mould and build you, trimming away the flaws and refining the raw jewels embedded deep within the person.

hardships come and go, that is for sure. what is uncertain however is the manner in which the said person emerges from his/her suffering. does he come out of it "harder, better, faster, stronger" (to quote kanye west's stronger)? or does he crumble under the heat of it all?

I know what the "model answer" is. I've seen enough motivational posters, heard enough advice and gone through enough flames (admittedly it's not a lot but it's adequate) to know it's the pressurising moments that truly make or break a man. it's heat and pressure after all that makes carbon become a diamond (according to a particular motivational poster I saw way back in 2002).

Everyone tells me I should be strong and persevere, for pushing through the hardships is like a tree that bears with the pruning of the wise gardener, having its unwanted and unnecessary bits are trimmed off to allow greater and more fruitful growth to occur. Everyone says it's painful at first but it's entirely necessary to improve.

No one said it would be this difficult. No one said it would be incredibly easy to give up and let one's knees buckle beneath the imposing weight of pressures and expectations.

No one told me,
but I know.

sometimes I think it's simply to early to have my knees ruined.

2010-09-28T23:16:00.000+08:00

I thought the hiatus should be broken. When I think about the primary reason for keeping this blog alive, a prolonged hiatus becomes extremely contradictory.

On a random note, I learnt a new phrase today.
"RETROACTIVE CLAIRVOYANCE"
I found out about it on wikipedia. (type "retroactive clairvoyance" and you'll be redirected to "postdiction", but the former sounds nicer! as if it's a deep concept)

Is the presence of retroactive clairvoyance dangerous? This benefit of hindsight, is it truly a benefit as the saying so explicitly states? to quote wikipedia, however dangerous that might be, retroactive clairvoyance is an "effect of hindsight bias".

hindsight bias.
I don't think it was meant to be thought of in this manner, but I do think it's a somewhat inevitable occurrence. precisely because we reflect on the past through our eyes, personal bias would come into the picture. everything we recall is skewered with our personal opinions, judgements (informed or otherwise).

as it happens ever so often, I have lost the train of my thought. just to clarify before I move on to another random note, I believe hindsight bias refers more to the collective recollection and analysis of past events rather than personal reflections on individual experiences.

now here's that random note I wanted to move on to. never underestimate the power of music, especially the influence it wields over the mood/atmosphere.

it is possible, perhaps even probable, that I am speaking to myself on this blog but I suppose it doesn't matter much when I remind myself of the primary reason for keeping this blog alive. I may not be able to give more than what has been given prior to the hiatus, but I shall try to be a little less superficial, if only to work my brain more to prevent brain rot.

2010-05-23T00:10:00.001+08:00

900th post.

time for a hiatus.

2010-05-14T00:45:00.001+08:00

i had a rather interesting experience today.

while making my way to the bus interchange at boon lay, i saw a lady who seem a little too dressed up to be outside jurong point. she wore a nice dress, had heels on and some make up.
because of her dressing, it made her conspicuous among the crowd of school-uniform clad teenagers and folks in casual wear.

needless to say i noticed her and my first thought was, "i have a feeling she's trying to sell something. for one she's more or less standing around, walking a little rather than brisk walking in a particular direction like everyone else. another thing, she's relatively good looking at a glance, wearing clothes to enhance her image and statistics/experiments have shown that people are more likely to stop and listen to a salesperson on the street if they are attractive."

well, she did approach me. no surprises there. (no it's not because i'm attractive but because she's a salesperson) i initially declined, like i always do along with 99% of the human population. she said it wouldn't take long, all she needed was for me to do a survey. and i decided, what the heck alright. i'm not in some hurry anyway.

i know i'm a sucker. i know i probably wouldn't have relented if she was less, well, to put it diplomatically less conspicuous.

i did the survey. it turned out to be some financial/insurance/i have no idea what it is thingy. she asked if i knew about this programme by unnamed company (it doesn't seem right to name names haha) and i said no. wrong move. she launched into explaining it.

on hindsight it wasn't that bad. although it was in my opinion totally irrelevant since i'm only 19 and don't really have the financial independence as working adults, hence why would i simply say i'm interested in such a programme just like that? but oh well.

it was interesting in that i learnt quite a bit. the way you have to practise and know your stuff at the tip of your fingertips. using the example of how much i save in one month, she worked around that figure to explain the benefits of the programme she's selling. making calculations so fast i believe she already knew the answer beforehand. although i must admit some of her calculations seem a little dodgy and perhaps even wrong. but i have no confidence in my math right now haha. she was fluent in her talking, didn't really pause to recall certain things and appeared confident. i really don't think i'd be able to do that to complete strangers who usually reserve a look of disdain for such salespeople. having talked about her well-rehearsed pitch, it must be noted that she wasn't simply rattling off lines practised a million times, she did try to engage me in a bit of conversation, asking questions to find out more about what i do etc. which i presume would help her in putting forth a more specific and hopefully effective sales pitch.

i have no idea why i'm talking about this but it just seemed rather interesting. it did help me realise the vast variety of things one can and should think about when you're a working adult with finances to handle. finances that would determine what kind of life you would/can live in your 40s, 50s and retirement. and it would have an added importance if you had a family to take care, along with ageing parents.

i'm not ready to grow up.
but i can't wait for 2012 to come.
today was just one of those days where things didn't really quite fall into place.

2010-05-05T21:43:00.000+08:00

so i watched shutter island last night. at a time that placed me in grave danger. it was unfortunately necessary since iron man 2 and ip man 2 are seriously crowding out the theatres and screen times.

what an interesting show. intriguing to say the least.
emotionally charged and mentally stimulating.
scorsese (i hope i spelt that right) takes you for a ride.

on a completely random note, i watched 3 episodes of ninja warrior straight.
it's been a long time since i watched ninja warrior.
even longer since i saw the familiar faces i came to know and hm, love?
i found out how much i miss it.
how much i miss the inspiration to exercise and get that kind of body.

i feel inspired once again.
but deep down i know the laziness inside of me will conquer all.
except greed.

oh the unfortunate nature of it all!

i hate how i cannot write straight.

2010-05-02T22:52:00.001+08:00

2010-05-01T02:00:00.000+08:00

i find jigsaw puzzles immensely profound. i learnt so much just by starting on one today.

well meeting up with the crazy one was fun. as always. arguably the most amusing person i know. vjc drama night was a rather eye-opening interesting experience. sometimes i wish i studied in vjc. but most of the time i'm proud to be an acsian.

lately i find myself increasingly intrigued by the idea that life is a terminal disease.

i like the idea.
i really do.

2010-04-29T22:10:00.002+08:00

they say this is a new chapter in a man's life.
i think my chapter started prematurely.

here's wishing it doesn't end prematurely either.

2010-04-25T22:37:00.000+08:00

lately life has been devoid of inspiration.
it has just been one flat plain.
perhaps that is what happens when you don't use your brain much.
so many things seem so meaningless. you just go through the motions of life. there is nothing exciting happening. no spark to start a fire of thoughts going. no singular drop of water to cause a ripple effect. everything is still.

maybe it is time for a change of lifestyle. i do have some ideas floating in my head. as always they shall remain intangible and nonexistent until i do something about them. historical trends tell me i shouldn't put my money on that.

now i really wish i had that chalkboard i so desired but couldn't get.

i just watched vicky cristina barcelona.
i need shows like that to keep me company.
it's absolutely lovely company.
to watch such shows, alone in your room in a quiet evening.

sometimes i have no idea what i'm doing.

2010-04-25T00:52:00.000+08:00

the grass is always greener on the other side.

what a true statement.
even when it is said by the men on both sides of the wall.

i wonder why that's the case.
it seems we will almost never, or never at all, be content with what we have.

i suppose the grass will always be greener on the other side, until we live in a world where everything is perfect.
as long as we're stuck in this world corrupted by sin, made worse by our indulgence in it, there will be aspects that we dislike. hate even.
as long as there are cons, we will always look for the missing pros.

wait i'm not making relevant sense. if any at all.
as long as there are things we are unhappy with on our side of the wall, we will always look at the presumably better things on the other side. foolishly making the assumption that what is good on this side will be present too on the opposite side.

when at work, i wish i wasn't working.
when wasting life away at home, sometimes i wish i had a little bit more direction in life.

i've lost my train of thought.
i want to start running again. hopefully this time i really do start instead of simply talking about it.

on a random note, i just watched stardust. i love that show now.
~~i would like to have a girlfriend that glows whenever i'm around. that way i'd be able to know how happy she is to see me. and i would glow right back for her.~~

2010-04-23T23:59:00.000+08:00

i'm done. no more island. it's the mainland for me.

shorty is a eenie meanie miney mo lova'

for some reason i'm hooked on that song.
i think it's mike's fault.

it's time for the second phase of this journey.
so much uncertainty.
yet so much depend on it.

i'm frightful of uncertainty.
in such circumstances, i find myself gripped with fear.

i cannot see beyond two days.
i suppose that's what scares me.
besides the fact that i'm going to be small fry, ready to be fried.

time to start exercising once again!

2010-04-19T00:26:00.000+08:00

it's only a matter of hours now.

the beginning of a new phase in my life.
the extent of its significance is still uncertain.

i would be lying if i said i wasn't anxious.

let's see where this road takes me.
even though it's not the path i would have chosen.

it's time for a disappearing act.

2010-04-16T23:52:00.000+08:00

congratulations to those who made it into ocs. may you have fun in a journey that promises much!

i thought i could stay at home the whole morning and afternoon.
but other people had other plans and i found myself going out for tea.
still it was worth it i suppose.

so much for staying at home in the morning.
i just slept through it and only got out of bed past twelve.
so much for staying at home in the afternoon.
went out for tea with a church guy and a friend.
informative and good. not to mention lots of chocolate.

there are so many things i wanted to think about through the course of the day.
but as usual these thoughts are fleeting. and i soon return to my superficial world where i take many things at face value.
i cannot remember what were the things that bothered me earlier, the issues i had concerns about, the views i wanted to express.
fortunately or unfortunately, i'm still undecided.

two more days.
these two days will fly.
i'm too fat to fly.