along the cobbled sidewalks of life

Monday, September 30, 2013

this marks the end of recess week. time for some stock-ticking.
with the inclusion of the recess week, that makes it seven weeks since the start of the semester.
once again, there is that ironic situation. the start of the semester seems so far away, I can barely recall how I felt as my sophomore year began. and yet, I can scarcely believe that I am already midway through a semester. how did it all pass by so quickly?

where to begin.
a new academic year. a new semester.
but the same old thinking. the same old false belief
that such an event marks new beginnings. no
it is but an arbitrary division.
a highly permeable division it seems.
the habits and thinking of old seem to have made a seamless transition into this "new" phase.
what has changed then?

so much, and yet so little!
I am the same inefficient sod I was previously.
but I don't feel the same. I don't act the same.
I think differently.
the module content, and its presenters, are different.
but the rigour is the same. the regiment similar. if not worse.

I don't quite know where this is going.
never did. and perhaps it is time to stop pretending like I do.
drop the pretense of control. let the mask just,
fall away.

yes, why not?
because. because the mask was there to protect.
protect the wearer from humiliation and unimaginable embarrassment. it is his first line of defence. his
only defense mechanism.
because the mask was there to protect.
protect the world from the horror hidden within.
such monsters cannot be allowed to wander around without restraint.

stop! enough!
I don't want to hear anymore!
I don't want to know anymore.
leave me be, in my ignorant state.
the more I learn, the more I realise the despair and depravity that surrounds,
it is not a place I like to be around.
but it is nevertheless a place that I am in.
I am an equal contributor, and a fellow carrier of the guilt, to the darkness of this place.

so much, no too much, hypocrisy.
are internal struggles considered hypocrisy?
yes there is a struggle. inside
is a chaotic mess.
I cannot make sense of it all.
I cannot see any order in the chaos.
I cannot even begin to grasp whatever it is I am suppose to grasp.
I cannot.

same old, same old.
things change. new masks replace the old.
something fresh, for what has been worn and cold
must be thrown out, and given to mold.
but no mask can ever completely hide the beast within.

put the shackles on.
and swallow the key.
and wait. it is a waiting game, oh yes it is!

wait.
for what exactly I have no clue.
but I shall wait. what else can I do?

whimsical nonsense @ 12:32 AM

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Monday, September 09, 2013

for a fleeting moment, there was some kind of inspiration.
that moment is gone now. as are many other similar moments.

how many times have I felt motivated to do something,
inspired to begin something,
and ended up with nothing to show for it.

nothing.
is something, right?
it has to be, just so that I won't feel so bad about myself.

stop. stop it all!
let me revel in my delusions
let me remain in my dreams
let me rot since I'm in my deathbed,
stop.

but the world keeps spinning on.
and the world keeps spinning on. stop.

whimsical nonsense @ 11:42 PM

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