along the cobbled sidewalks of life

Friday, June 29, 2012

had breakfast with a certain former teacher of mine.

never really taught me in any academic lessons, but he certainly taught me a great deal about what I know about life. always good to meet and catch up. share thoughts and all.

needless to say the conversation is usually led by him. most of the time, in my typical rambling stream of consciousness way, I will be the one sharing a lot - my experiences, reflections and thoughts, while he listens. thereafter comes the part that on hindsight excites me the most - him bringing me to a deeper level of understanding. in a fashion so typical of his character, he doesn't share his personal opinions and thoughts. not really anyway. he would pick up on things I say, ask questions that are aimed to lead me towards a different perspective, or a new insight, or simply a deeper understanding of the issue at hand. that way while it's him who guided me to it, I'm still the one discovering it for myself. when I'm unable to see where his questions are leading me towards, only then would he then tell me what he thinks about it, and (like today) I would feel a sudden sense of my mind being broadened.

it is humbling to realise that there is actually so much more I don't see.

anyway this isn't coming out the way I hoped it would. but I needed to get it down however unsatisfactory this is, so as to remember.

certain things are good to be put down in black and white.
to be able to come back and revisit. and reflect.

I like reflecting. and thinking.
about things related to me, unfortunately.

need to go beyond.

whimsical nonsense @ 4:29 PM

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Friday, June 22, 2012

nus fass arts camp 2012.

I recall a certain unwillingness to go prior to the camp. instead of anticipation for what is to come, I found myself filled with reluctance and even fear. on hindsight, it seemed like utter foolishness to think that way. what was it that made me so afraid to attend I cannot quite recall now, for they were probably mere shadows existing as figments of my wild imagination. eventually I did go, since it would be stupid to pay up, put it into one's schedule and at the last moment decide to pull out. moreover it wasn't in line with aspects about me that I want to change. I decided to go in with an open a mind as possible. I wasn't disappointed.

as of now, nothing has yet come close to what transpired during those 5 days and 4 nights. the culture, refreshingly different from anything I am used to. the games, a good number so novel to me that interest bordered on amazement, others while conceptually not uncommon were still as fun and entertaining. I like to believe what was responsible for everything was this sole factor - the people.

on both a macro and micro level, the behaviours of the people and its resulting effects have proved to permeate every aspect of the camp on all levels. it was evident that the energy levels were not determined by the activity but rather the individuals and groups - whether they wanted to or not. I'm still struggling to find the appropriate words to describe the power I observed. having borne witness to it has really made me speechless. it truly places things into perspective, and illuminates the things that are of a more lasting value.

truth be told, it isn't something entirely new to me. already 5 years ago I recognised (although without an understanding as mature) the value of people and how it isn't merely important but probably the only thing that mattered. as I think about this, what a certain 1.71m girl said at the camp comes to mind. at the end of the day, it matters not whether one wins this game, or that activity, but the friendships forged and kept, treasured for a lifetime. years from now, no one (really) bothers whether you were the best or worst but they do care if they have friends or not to support and encourage them in their life paths. just another time when my beliefs are reinforced. a timely reminder I find.

it seems like one of the main impressions I have given others is a person of conviction - one who knows his beliefs and commits to stick by them steadfastly. yes it is most humbling and flattering to hear such praises from others, but I cannot deny how glad I am to hear it. indeed it is something I have been intentionally working towards. the next phase of my life is probably going to be nothing like past experiences (much like how this camp has given me a foretaste of what's to come) and in preparation for the storm of churning waters and gusty winds I have been reflecting and searching for my true self. as well as the self I am to become. and working to establish that in stone such that they can't be changed. still a work in progress definitely, but it is good to see you're headed in the right direction.

I went to this arts camp with the expectation of meeting new people, making new friends, and getting to know them better, however it never once crossed my mind that I would come away with a more intimate understanding of myself. yes it sounds extremely narcissistic and I don't feel like elaborating any more save to say I could never have achieved this without the help of others as a reflecting mirror.

now that all has been said and done, with only memories left, it is only fitting to cast one eye back, looking with fondness while reminiscing the good moments and yet be filled with excitement and anticipation of what is to come.

you only live once.

it doesn't mean you live recklessly.

nor is it justification for "trying it out", as much as others may believe so.

it means there is only so much that can be done, hence

you do the important things. not the urgent ones.

focus on what truly matters, instead of matters that simply thrill. (not mutually exclusive)

the camp has been a fun and memorable experience. indeed enjoyable.

best part is,

it has given me something to look back at with fondness

while giving me a peek into the future.

I am afraid. I am anxious.

I am filled with anticipation.

whimsical nonsense @ 6:15 PM

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Monday, June 04, 2012

I was never one for visual arts.

nor was I ever good with words.

my understanding of music is rudimentary, at best.

while I cannot say the same for dance.

there is so much going on inside.

and not one bit can I express with pictures, actions, or pieces.

I cannot even begin to articulate how I feel.

but go past that. look beyond my inadequacies at expression

and perhaps, therein lies the greater reason for this inability to express.

everything is simple. yet nothing ever is.

simplicity compounded, leads to complexity.

nothing is ever as it is. as it is said,

the flap of a butterfly's wings here, and a tornado is triggered there.

all a tangled mess. a mangled web. a wangled tess.

there is no comprehension.

hence, there is nothing.

but a mess.

whimsical nonsense @ 11:25 PM

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