Wednesday, November 29, 2006
i realised i havent blogged for ages
either too lazy. nothing to say. or busy.
and by right i should be busy now. AH!
so tired. back from mcyc camp.
learnt soooo much from the camp.
blog more bout it another time. if there is another time that im not so busy.
or tired.
or lazy.
there are so many thoughts running through my head.
of people.
friends.
strangers whom i hope can become friends.
friends who unfortunately became strangers.
of those in authority.
specifically those i am going to have to deal with.
getting away from all the hustle and bustle
from all the work
even for half an hour
to spend some time alone
can open up ones eyes
so much to the extent
that he sees things he never knew
before
and of course made him believe.
just believe
whimsical nonsense @ 10:54 PM
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Wednesday, November 22, 2006
a revelation.
that i have not seen.
heehee.
wallace and gromit.
thomas the tank engine
and friends.
ah the innocence.
whimsical nonsense @ 11:13 PM
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Monday, November 20, 2006
why must it be so cold?
that the rain should bring down the temperature
along with my mood.
but don't get me wrong. im happy. cheerful.
just could be better, if not for my bad nose. bleh
things have become so messy.
few weeks back, it was so simple.
like red green blue.
now its worse than a rainbow, its a
white thing. where all the colours mixes together.
and in this case white is not that simple thing
that i have come to perceive it as,
although one can do that...
ok bad analogy, if it is an analogy.
of late, i have been reading some blogs
of people i know, and of 1 person i do not
and maybe it is because of the relationship
that the 2 owners of the 2 different blogs share
and i dont mean intimately sexual or whatever,
as in they are schoolmates, cca-mates, friends.
and they both talked of how it was only a matter of time
of a few months, less than a year, and how
everything would be over for them. in that school
which they have enrolled in, where they
grew a passion for it, where they placed
their loyalty.
their involvement in their beloved ccas
well, just not there anymore.
and it has got me thinking, that why is it i do not
feel any such sense of, reminiscence?
maybe its because i have 3 more years in acsi.
hopefully not because i have *gasp* no passion
for this school, which have formed so integral
a part of my life.
and it is most probably going to be the school i have spent the
longest time in.
3 years (nursery, kindergarten 1, kindergarten 2) - spent at Glory Kindergarten
3 years (primary 1-3) - Shuqun Primary School
3 years (primary 4-6) - Henry Park Primary School [i transferred because of GEP]
3 years (sec 1-3) - Anglo-Chinese School (Independent) World IB School
it is quite interesting to me, to see that in all my years of education
i have never spent more than 3 years at a single institution
school hopping every 3 years. changing allegiance?
haha maybe. discounting Kindergarten, i felt some loyalty
to Shuqun Primary.
i felt more at Henry Park, and by that time i lose that loyalty i had
previously. and i felt the best years of primary school
were those spent in HPPS.
enter secondary school. enter acsi.
and my eyes were opened, to a different culture, sort of.
and now 3 more years down the road my loyalty lies
in the blue and white and now greyish walls of acsi.
the grey, blue, red, yellow, green levels, the SAC
a part of my life now. sure i still have those fond memories in
HPPS. archived somewhere. taken out once in a while.
but on my desk, are the cluttered files of acsi.
i wonder how long this would last.
this loyalty, "allegiance" should one call it, to this institution.
right now, i will gladly cheer my heart out, hoarse out my throat
(should there even be such an expression, haha i shall invent it then)
to support my school. i may have problems with the way it deals
with some issues. but it is my school nonetheless. it is my second home
which i love.
fast forward to a few years down the road.
will i be willing to do the same. i don't know.
i am going to spend 6 years in this school. double the time i have spent
in any one educational institute previously.
and i have no idea how i got into writing this blog post
which holds no meaning at all. and with the gap in between the lines
making it some seemingly long post.
but right now my mind is filled with words.
and probably now filled with thoughts of next year.
my hopes and aspirations for the year ahead.
2007. a landmark year i guess. secondary 4.
the so called leaders of the school.
although next year we will definitely be in the shadow of
the year 5s and 6s.
but nonetheless, there are so many things to strive for
to aim for, and to achieve.
i think of all those things that i am involved in.
prefects, debate, boys brigade.
there are so many things that i wish for next year's prefects.
for myself. for council 07. for the sec2s and the new prefects. for the board.
there is one great wish for debate.
quite obvious what it is. i hope to relive that moment.
for our team. for the club. for the school. for the seniors.
and above all i wish for the club to grow, the bond between seniors and juniors.
and i think about bb. the rest of my cohort mates, are now admin.
in charge of the running of the company.
my friends, who have been with me in every experience i had in bb
since sec1. since the first parade, when we met our seniors.
david kao, ming hao, kee wui, matthew tan, eekay, jon gwee, jon kong, eugene guo, andrew chin, harold, wee jin (i think thats his name) just to name a few.
we were all small boys. afraid of what's to come. we went to the archives area
and wrote down our particulars. and played games.
and now, they are going to be those seniors to a new bunch of small, afraid boys.
unfortunately i will most probably unable to share that experience with them
in full. the way that i would love to do so.
but all these remain what they are, wishes, hopes, aspirations.
the future is filled with so much uncertainty.
horrible things might happen next year.
things that would cause me to pause, reflect,
cry.
i fear history. i fear the future.
for both are separated by a thin thread.
the thread of the present.
one mostly blured, for it seems the future is history.
since it repeats itself.
and im afraid, that next year will start like this year.
with a normal start. rising to a climax. dropping straight
down.
to new lows i have never experienced.
it made me angst, made me emo, confused me.
i was totally lost. i started to take it out on my friends (the closer ones)
and i fear that i caused them much inconvenience.
it made me reflect, and yet reach not a conclusion. it welled up
tears.
should next year be like this.
i'm not sure how i would take it. and honestly i'm scared.
the challenges next year more imposing.
the walls to climb higher, smoother.
the load on my shoulders heavier.
the ground i place my feet upon, softer.
but i did not come all the way to where i am today.
to become what i started out as.
my best is all i can offer.
i hope i will be able to give my all.
and i hope it is enough.
it is too early to think of next year.
when tomorrow has not even come.
and should i not see the first sunrise of 2007
should i fail to see my friends again
should i leave
it is useless to think of next year then.
i had better continue on writing my goodbyes
i have written about 2 pages. or rather 1 piece of paper 2 sides.
and it is far from done. i have barely finished writing for the groups
that i belong to.
much less the individuals.
i hope i do not miss out on anyone
and should i cease to be part of this place,
that somebody will find it, somewhere in my room.
in a place where all words with special value congregate
go figure.
a worthless post. with so many ideas
and no links. no flow.
what my mind is right now? a mess?
possibly. probably.
maybe. must be.
whimsical nonsense @ 11:02 PM
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Saturday, November 18, 2006
it makes me feel kind of weird
one of those feeling you get when you
become emo? or something like that
things are not looking good
it is not easy to let go of something
you don't want to
it is like letting go of the rope
that you are holding on to
for dear life
except of course it is not as crucial
as life and death
but I have to try
as difficult it may be
to prevent further damage
avoid the painful scenario that occurred
recalling that moment
it was as if the world came crashing down
I felt awful
overflowing with regrets
definitely
I don't want to go through that
painful learning experience
again.
I have learnt from it
there is not much point
in going through
it all again.
on another issue
that is floating within
the realm of thoughts
in my mind...
I wonder if I should continue
doing what I have been doing.
I somehow tell myself that it is me,
I cannot really change it.
but is that true?
it is possible, in my opinion,
for me to control it,
to think more before I say anything.
so far everything is ok, at least
that is what I think, and feel
but I fear something
that one day it is going to come back and haunt me
fear
whimsical nonsense @ 11:07 PM
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Wednesday, November 15, 2006
fallen into the depths
struggling to crawl out
failing, time and time again.
i should be sorry
but its just not coming
i probably need to change.
fast.
help me
is chasing a lost cause worthwhile?
whimsical nonsense @ 10:14 PM
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Sunday, November 12, 2006
2 weeks have pass
and only a mere 6 weeks remain
a quarter of the holidays gone
45 weeks have pass
and only a mere 7 remain
*insert weird fraction* of the year gone
things pass by so quickly
events whizz past
one moment an event i anticipate with great excitement
the next a fond memory
one moment a fear
the next a relief
that it is all over
look forward, to the future
dwell not on the past, look backwards only to learn
from the mistakes
and i look forward
only to see it as the present
the mistakes in the present,
carbon copies of those in the past
it is quite irritating
to know that you havent changed
frustrating
and yet somehow you dont seem to care
much, at all
this is bad
for me
i need conviction
to change, for the better
for real
this time.
some form of motivation?
there is the best form of motivation
that i cant seem to fully get myself to
hm, possess?
looks wrong.
things change
i dont.
what i had i lost
what i have i'll lose
for the same reason
why i lost what i had
and i cant seem to do
much about it
or so i think.
correct me, should one think otherwise.
some would say im selling my life
like a celebrity
exposing what should remain private
and i dont mean body parts
come to think of it
i probably am
and those who read
probably understands...
no they wont understand.
know more about whats happening
then those who ought to know.
so what they should know, they dont
what others shouldnt know, they do
but then again, i don't really care
not anymore.
that hurts.
whimsical nonsense @ 10:58 PM
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Thursday, November 09, 2006
we did new stuff!
haha like wow...
so dr. ong and mr lim eng kong dropped by our iba place
and talked to mr alan and me and daniel...
how cool
and we also had a pizza lunch courtesy of our boss for the past close to 2 weeks
yay THANKS!
(doubt he'll see it though...)
and well we still went to bind another affidavit...the one i went through yesterday..
checking the exhibits...
its like doing what we first did...which was so long ago
and how im like sooo much more familiar with it
and daniel yee still went to type the letters
and stuff
and i learnt how to do AR Registered and Certificate of Posting letters...
though only the filling of the forms...
we went to the bank..and daniel yee bought his 4th gun toy thingy from those $1 dispensing thing...haha
he loves going to the bank just cuz can go buy...HAHA its highly amusing
to me
and then we went to chop stuff
as in stamp...
the company name on those bank cheque deposit thingies...
i think
and later on in the day stamp the thing on envelopes
o we went to buy binding combs...
or i like to call it the spine thingies
and we went to the stationary shop to again in the day to buy stamps
like $126.30 worth of stamps
thats like a lot!
like the person told us to go buy stamps
and then i was like...whoa. se 2 50 dollar notes and other stuff
and went like buy stamps need so much meh?
and haha well i was surprised.
then we went to tear the stamps..as in into individual stamps
its still manual labour that kind of thing
but i don't mind doing it...
so now i've done
photocopying
binding
typing letters
faxing and posting them
sending AR Registered and Certificate of Post letters
filling of water bottles
making sure pages don't skip in affidavits (counting pages)
use the typewriter to type addresses of clients on envelopes
go bank to withdraw money
go bank to do cheque deposits (i think, don't entirely know what we're at the bank for, just give them what the office person gave us)
take cab to some bank, cant rmb
take cab back
go to next door manhattan house to another advocate and solicitator firm to get stuff like affidavits from them
buy multi-tabs and tab the affidavits
buy stamps
buy those plastic binding combs
removing of staples from a stack of paper to be used as rough paper
visit court no. 4 and court no. 26 in the subordinate courts
witness the process of an uncontested divorce case in the family courts
been into the bar room of the subordinate courts
open files
look for a person in the records
look for that person's file in the whole treasure trove of files in the office
eat chocolate from the fridge (they offered)
waste a lot of paper by photocopying or typing wrongly...haha
stamping "Alan Shankar & Lim" on those cheque deposit slips
stamping the company thing..with the name and telephone and fax numbers and address etc on empty envelopes for future use
doodle, draw, write weird stuff on pieces of rough paper when im bored
play with daniels phone
msg ppl
sit around and stare
take pictures (on the 2 days ive brought the camera)
listen to music (but very very rarely, in fact hardly)
yeah thats about what ive done so far...
i think daniel yee did mostly the same...
except for a few things which he might have done that i didnt do
or the other way round
what fun.
work attachment definitely is something cool
WHEE!
and now its going to end tomorrow.
i remember how i dreaded it on monday..last monday
how i had to forsake the extra hours of sleep i would get
how it was work, and i just didnt really like it
but now i think im going to miss it
i mean on one hand yay it's ending
on the other, its the end of an enriching, interesting, highly amusing and great experience of working.
haha all the noob and nub calling between me and daniel
haha
whimsical nonsense @ 9:18 PM
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Wednesday, November 08, 2006
things are so different now...
im like not the same...
ive changed!
(for the better or worse...er i dunno. u decide! (: )
i cant remember how some things feel like
vaguely recall the experience
but i cant say for certain...
but i think its good...good for me
i feel so much more liberated!
as someone once helped me realised,
its sooo much better being free
i mean yeah sure its nice to have that kind of feeling
but after a long while
its sooo refreshing, and good
too bad i got caught up in it all over again
i shall try to stay away till the end of the year
WHEE!!!
i need to update my nano soon, havent updated it in months!
ok maybe weeks...
and so i have like sooo many songs in my itunes that are nice but are missing in my nano
how sad.
and im over 3.7GB
which is like the limit of my nano
nooooo
i think i shall revive my discman tomorrow
so that can play this cd...cuz i havent uploaded it yet
whee raised from the dead.
and im gonna take pictures tmr!
hopefully...of the office
and apparently mr lim eng kong is coming to visit us!
me and daniel yee!
isnt it exciting?!
and on friday...we'll go high court!
mr sarjeet singh promised us...
haha ive never been to high court
i think it'll be the new building...
ooo
you know some say
time flies
and others say
time crawls
hm...maybe its neither
maybe time walks.
or maybe maybe...
it just passes by.
my thoughts are not cogent
whimsical nonsense @ 10:30 PM
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Tuesday, November 07, 2006
ooo today was quite different...
for iba...
yeah we still typed letters..fax stuff...post them
(which is actually quite nice)
we also helped to like type in the changes made to some document
its like quite long...er..about 16 pages
but daniel yee did most of it...
then i slack
i think he is more hardworking than me
and we tried to find files..
first i had to look through the record book...supposedly until i find this name
and the book contained 304 pages!
it was quite tiring to flip through all the records..trying to look for that one name
and after the name was found...it was found a few times...
we had to look for the file
and i shall take more pictures of the office some time this week
and you'll see that the office is just full of files!
looking for one particular file is like looking for 1 file among maybe 1000?
and now for lunch.
we spent 25 mins walking to where we had to meet mr ng, kevin wong, kevin low and zhang
and by chance lloyd was there too..haha
it was so far away!
i ate subway!
whee! so rocking good
next time i wanna buy the one foot one...haha
and so lunch was at a different place..
and we also had one cool job...
take cab to go to this building...give them a document..
where they'll acknowledge it...then take cab back
haha free ride.
and the lift in that building..The Octagon is super fast
go ask daniel yee...
i mean like on the way down my ears popped..
thats like whoa right?
or maybe im just weird...
whee pictures! (click on them for larger size)
just some thingy i did when i was bored last friday
a whole piece of paper covered in words...super tedious (last firday)
this is a diary entry i wrote today..weird stuff. haha
a paper with smiley faces all over... (:
whimsical nonsense @ 8:51 PM
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Sunday, November 05, 2006
there was the end of my fairytale like journey
the beauty of it all
now but a memory
as in step into the darkness shrouding
i wander off the path
and i died.
i was given a second chance
i blew it
i was given at least a million chances more
i blew them all
i need to change.
i want to change.
but im weak.
i need help.
not the help from those who are weak too
im not making much sense here.
go figure.
whimsical nonsense @ 10:21 PM
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i remember once....
i opened this gate...
one of those small wooden ones, of waist height...
it was painted white...the wood still rough...with the danger of splinters...
but years of torrential rain, gusty breezes and howling winds...
has smoothened it out, somewhat.
i take a step, into what was beyond the gate.
a pathway
flanked by rows and rows of trees.
huge trunks reached out all the way up into the sky
and branching out into glorious branches of green...
each leaf, stretching outwards, towards the sun
in all its radiance
busking in the light, relaxing in the warmth
and here i am, down below
taking each step...
each time the sole of my feet lands on the path
i hear the crunch of the gravel below
before it gives way to earth...
the gate now behind me...and ahead a shaded roadway...
beams of light breaches the canopy of leaves
swaying to the gentle breeze
above me
the gentle rays light up my way
guiding me
i venture further in...
by then the gate is out of my sight
the songs of the birds ring out clearer, louder
blending together, like a symphony.
the rustle of the leaves, the trickling of water
the calls of nature, adding on to the melodious sonnet
i continue along the path
in great admiration and awe
and respect.
i walk on...
till an unexpected sight.
i stopped. not understanding.
fear creeps in.
i stand.alone.
whimsical nonsense @ 12:08 AM
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Friday, November 03, 2006
so far i think my work attachment is quite fun.
went to court again..the subordinate court and family court
watched some stuff, some are boring...
haha like wanna sleep...
and i went into the bar room
i mean i did it too on tuesday..
but this time we set down and drank stuff
how nice is that?
and the lawyer who brought us there, mr singh (cant rmb his name)
very funny..haha
and also very nice..as are all the other ppl
at the office...playing with the binding machine..
the smart typewriter...which has a bit of like a computer in it...
and faxing stuff out..photocopying...
refreshing change from notes, books, formulas, and facts
dreary.
a weird life this is
indeed.
im not emo dan!
i think...
whimsical nonsense @ 9:30 PM
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Thursday, November 02, 2006
i am stupid, and am ignorant of a lot of things.
so what goes on below cannot be taken seriously...
a human mind thinks quite fast i think...
in one minute a lot of different thoughts run through his mind
(im not being sexist here but for simplicity, i'll use his)
do these thoughts occur in a pattern?
or are they random stuff...
some of them make me scared
(such as holiday homework)
some causes me to ponder
and they just give me so many things to think about
triggering a cocktail of emotions, feelings
nvm i cant think properly
i just wish that i still had her
you could say that i still miss her
though not to the extent of the past
there are so many things i miss
the laugh...of which i dont really hear..
but of which i see
i miss those sms conversations
that go on till quite late
(relatively for me, like till 1, at that time)
those times when i spoil my eyes
when i hear the familiar noise of the vibration
i miss the things i told you
i miss the replies you gave
i miss your advice
i miss the things you told me
i miss sharing my thoughts about them with you
i miss what we discussed
whether its about me, about you, or about anything under the sun
and now that its gone...
i miss the things i associate with you
i miss those nights
i miss the rainy nights
i miss the cheer you brought
i miss calling you what i called you
i feel that i want to relive those moments
but no,
it'll only serve to remind me of the things i went through
the bad things
and you weren't there.
you used to be always there.
with all your encouragement
advice
assurance.
i felt lost.
i couldnt find my way around
and became confused.
i gotta move on,
and i will.
i want to let you go,
i want to forget it all
i don't want to forget totally
i can't bear to let go of it all
i can't stand to see it flow away
without a trace
i held a balloon in my hand
i wanted to let it go
let it float away, far away
i couldnt do it
i finally did
and as i watch it fly away...
tears welled up in my eyes
i was saying goodbye
to something which i held close to me
it was difficult
and now i realised i still have the string in my palm
clenched my fist and kept it there
im gonna treasure it
the remnants
the pieces of the puzzle left
its not complete
but its good enough
yes it is good enough
for someone who never was
good enough for
you.
im never good enough for anyone
they expect this
i fail.
i do what they hate the most
i stay ignorant and continue
doing the thing that would haunt me
later on
no, not haunt
hurt.
there must be something wrong with me
i have no idea what it is
i wish i did
then i'll change myself
i'll really try to
i just need to know what i need to change
but i don't.
do i say well, accept me for who i am?
and then i think
how easy is it for them to accept me for who i am
when i cant do that
i cant accept myself
i want to be better...
right
so now thoughts still run through my head
but somehow they're not so random now
they share something similar
and that cocktail no longer a random mixture
its a wonderful brew.
of reminiscence
and
sorrow
whimsical nonsense @ 10:11 PM
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Wednesday, November 01, 2006
whee!!
2nd day of work
and i shall not comment
im scared to do so...
later say wrong thing then they sue me
and im working for like a law firm...
AH!
but the ppl there are very nice...some are funny, all are helpful...
and i learn some new stuff...
thats probably very duh..but hey im quite stupid so...
like me and daniel yee learnt how to use the photocopying machine
so now we can photocopy quite pro...
if u give us this whole bundle and say 4 copies...we know how to do it!
like put at the feeder..then separate the copies into different bundles
so that when its done we have 4 different bundles
save a lot of time
then also have the refiling of the machine...
and how to solve the paper jamming thing...
then i learnt how to fax today...
and yesterday and today how to use the binding machine
yesterday was the taking out and putting back of the papers into the spine thing
today is the punching...
so cool
and yesterday we went to the subordinate courts
court no. 4 i think
quite cool. but cannot hear anything...
ooo tmr is gonna be a long day i think
binding all the affidavits and authorities
i changed my blog layout!
ok la...not really
cuz im a com retard..i kept what my sister did for me
and i just change what i can..which is like what i've been doing since last year
from the first ever layout that my sis did
i change the picture and the font colour...that is all
o well. i decided to change the background...
quite tired of black...although it was nice
but its a refreshing change in my opinion
and the red font on white is nice in my opinion too!
and theres pink on my blog!!!
WOOHOO!
pink rocks!
and then of course...the picture
no more the quite funny SCREW U 5th wave comic
now its some super cute picture of a forever friends bear
relaxing
ah...its the holidays! that's what we should be doing..haha
RAWR!
haha
whimsical nonsense @ 11:44 PM
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profile
Samuel Chan
7 January 1991
affliations
shuqun primary school
Henry Park Primary School
Anglo-Chinese School (Independent)
acdb8 / bb12thcoy / acspb / ac cross country
