Tuesday, March 28, 2006
the reason for telling you all this is beyond my understand, simply because you started all this. i should have known that everything wasn't right, that i wasn't truly over it all, that i was blinded by my wish of forgetting. i should have known that i was simply raising myself higher only to fall down, with more pain at the end. however, i never really thought it would be so soon, that you would actually be the one to push me down, allowing me to feel the full impact, resulting in extreme pain. so unexpected, that it would be you, only to make the pain i feel much more painful. however you won't know that i'm suffering so much, for on the surface, nothing is wrong. the grazes and cuts have healed, i am fine right now. on the inside, its pure pain! the ruptures, fractures and bleeding has shown and continues to show no sign of letting down. you will never understand how i feel simply because i don't let you see what is really happening. which only leads me to question myself whether letting you know will help or not. such an internal conflict and i doubt i can let it stay unresolved. or maybe it's just me who wants to make a decision, whether to let you know what you are doing to me, inside. i believe it would really do no good, or just make it worse, or one of the worst scenarios will happen, that you simply don't care. yet although you are the the cause of it al, i don't blame you, i just blame myself for being the fool, the fool who lets you do all this to me, for letting you hurt me so bad. i should have learnt, but it never really was over, as i just realised, it was just me clinging on to a thing called, hopelessness.
I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics
Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life
Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back
I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
I talk to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside
Have finally begun to create so much pressure
That I'd soon blow up and
I heard the reverberating footsteps
Sinking up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart
And I can't let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life
Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back
Stop right there
Thats exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back
I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I've been
Cause who I've been only ever made me
I'm sorry for the person I became
So sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
Who I Am Hates Who I've Been - Relient K
whimsical nonsense @ 9:38 PM
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Monday, March 27, 2006
o man.
first time im like doing prefect...bb..and db8 stuff all at one time
lalala
need to find time to post that thingy i wrote at church...
sam chan
whimsical nonsense @ 9:33 PM
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Saturday, March 25, 2006
exhausted.
whimsical nonsense @ 11:03 PM
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Friday, March 24, 2006
yay!
by the grace of God, we won our jg quarter-final
a relief to get past the first knockout stage...
amongst a night of surprising, shocking results..
indeed what a relief.
whimsical nonsense @ 11:45 PM
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Wednesday, March 22, 2006
well..some nugget of information i found quite interesting...
According to "The Farmers Almanac," to test your love, you and your lover should each place an acorn in water. If they swim together, your love is true; if they drift apart, so will you.
hm..much food for thought...dun u think so?
wat a lie im living.
wat a lie ive become.
there is me...wat ppl see
and me...the real samuel
but the line has been blurred
so much...too much
its quite ok
if others dont know
what the real sam chan is in full
but know a bit of it, a bit of the image i portray
its not quite ok
if others dont know
wat the real sam chan is about
at all. seeing only the image
its not ok at all!
if i myself
dun know what i am like
really.
its getting quite scary...
to not know yourself...
and so i continue living my life...
happily...going on with this
life of lies.
my life is a lie.
whimsical nonsense @ 11:36 PM
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Monday, March 20, 2006
felt so weird today...
wearing sandals to sch...
cuz my mom wouldnt allow me to wear shoes...
say need to allow the wounded toe to breathe...
aiyah..if i had a choice..i dunno...
not sure if i can wear shoes...but i feel can...
i hope its juz for this week...then next week can go back to wearing shoes!
in the mean time...i can like start "repairing" my nike shoes...
i dun really like my nike shoes...
dun really like the design...(i bought it cuz it was cheap and i needed running shoes...
like u cant run with sneakers...can u? not me at least)
and its like not very durable...
with the sole coming out...or whatever la...
i want new running shoes!
preferably adidas or asics...but no money..haha
and my mom would be like u got enuf shoes!
but my adidas sneakers is quite old...about 1 year 1 month...
ok not that old...but the heel bit..cuz i walk i think its like...digging in?
so the heel a bit...ok..not in the best condition...
then the pair given to me by my cousin cuz it was too small for him...
well...its mainly black..cant wear to sch right? but yeah..i like that pair of shoes...
and the other pair given to me by the sister of the first cousin..or my cousin too!...
well...can la..but not really for running...
somehow i feel im like...nvm
~~~
not too long ago, a young man, or teenager rather, decided to set out on a path. he did not know why he was taking this path, he was just pushed to it since young, and was told it was a journey to a good place. he was briefed on the dos and donts pertaining to this particular journey and was even warned that it would not be a ride in the park but instead, a path so filled with treachery and all sorts of danger that many have failed and dropped out. undoubtedly afraid, he still took the first step into a journey, the journey.
as soon as his sole landed on the pathway, the world around him vanished, and he found himself surrounded by a thick forest. beyond the pathway, not a small area of the ground could be seen, with shrubs, bushes giving the forest a leafy green carpet. trees towered above him, spreading their branches out in the hope of being able to claim, to boast of being the largest. their braches, numbering in hundreds and thousands, form a canopy so thick such that even the piercing rays of the sun fails to fill the forest floor with its splendour, leaving the man, or boy at this stage alone in the dark shadows.
alone, frightened and lost, the boy cautiously took a step forward, step by step he went along the path. barely 10 steps later, he fails to notice a pothole hidden among the sea of dried leaves covering the path. this failure led to him spraining his ankle, which causes him to grimace in pain. he continues after a short rest, determined to reach the end of this long, tiring journey set out in front of him.
now the young man he is today, since that time when he was still a boy, he has met many more setbacks, and difficult situations, some worse than just a sprained ankle. at times, wandering off into the forest off the uneven pathway in search of something better, he would end up caught among the trees and its branches, each tree seemingly stretching its arms to catch the man in their grasp, to be able to show off its prize. trapped, weary and unable to escape, his fate seemed sealed, in fact, it was a few thousand years ago.
at such difficult times, he would sometimes be so faint that consciousness leaves him. when he awakes, he's back on the pathway, filled with renewed strength. at first, this new source of strength remained a mystery to him, but as time passed, this source slowly revealed itself to him, bit by bit. so now the man knows roughly about this mystery source, and that it was in fact related to the final destination, the end of this journey.
this relationship between source and the man is so special, unique. the man so much wants to please the source, which has helped him so much, in all those times of need, until the man believes that the source of help, is always there beside him, guiding him, like a spirit leading him. but yet as hard as he tries to, he would wander off the path, blinded by deceit, that something better lies beyond. a trickle of water, the sound of a stream are such temptations, causing him to lose focus and walk away, only to get caught again. a weak mind, soul, little self discipline and control, but yet that spirit never gives up on him, helping him, guiding him, leading him along the pathway. when it becomes filled with torns, the spirit guides him with each step, avoiding the thorny areas, when it becomes too narrow, the spirit leads him through, not letting him fall. yet time and time again, he fails to live up to what is demanded of him, filled with shame.
the journey has not ended, nor does it seem like its going to any time soon. it is only the beginning, the beginning to a wonderful end.
where does my help come from?
my help comes from the Lord
whimsical nonsense @ 10:01 PM
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Sunday, March 19, 2006
o man!
its sch tmr!
with so much hw
o well...
o i remembered the other random question...
you noe if ur face is like oily...cuz of like..ur pores or whatever...
and then u stand in the sun..or like exposed to sun right?
so does ur face gets fried more? (sunburn fater)
does it like i dunno...cuz its oil..and sun?
randomness...
its like as if one guy was walking up a hill..and then as he got to the peak..
he looked down...and stared in awesome wonder...
everything was as he had never thought possible...
the feeling of peacefulness..the sense of serenity...
it just seem something not possible of this world...
this corrupt world filled with perversion and sin...
he never thought a world could like this could exist...
but then it dawned on him...
that this was the world...
it no longer is..but was...
until men brought it down...
together with its race...
much degradation...
to its current chaotic state...
this heavenly scene set out before
his very own
eyes
eyes that have seen pain
suffering
eyes that have cried
tears
yet another set of eyes exist
eyes not of ours...
eyes that sees through us
our innermost being...our sinfulness
everything we're ashamed of...
laid out in full sight of HIm
yet He chose to see the good in us
if there is any...
he chose to give us a second chance...
those eyes that see through us...
now filled with love for us...
always watching over us...
ah...
what comforting knowledge
be strong and take heart
wait for the Lord
the ending of one of my favourite psalm...
psalm 27
after the nerve-wrecking 3rd round of Meth Cup last year...
i felt really bad..after a poor performance...
i felt really scared...nervous.that we wouldnt make it...
so during the debrief..when it didnt really concern me...
(shh.i dun think im meant to do that but o well...)
i just opened the bible..and my eyes fell on psalm 27...
even though psalm 23 was juz across the page...
i read psalm 27...
and it somehow...told me something...
i cant exactly rmb...but i juz noe that experience has made psalm 27
a psalm with a special meaning to me...
whimsical nonsense @ 9:59 PM
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Friday, March 17, 2006
a few random questions...
if things supposedly happen in a certain way...which previously u didnt realise...
but now you do cuz u read that things supposedly happen this way...
u start to realise that hey! indeed things do happen this way...
but then...do they happen this way becuz they're supposedly meant to do it that way...
or is it juz that it happens this way..and somehow fits in with the supposed way...
like you know the clock...the most common face of a clock which u will see is 10.10
like minute hand at 2...hour hand at 10...
so basically its like really nice..
and then if u look around..u see that hey yeah..it is the case...
and so i was wondering...
if ppl make their clock faces like that..
is it because its supposed to be like that...so they make it so...
cuz they also read that thingy...
or is it cuz its a nice image to protray and so do it....
unwittingly fulfilling that erm...common clock face thingy...
hm...
haix
i forgot the other random question...nooooo
o well...
wat a slack day...
i feel so guilty.
and i ate so much.
getting fatter!
o dear...
o deer...
o eer...
o er...
o e...
o ...
o...
o..
o.
o
r.a.n.d.o.m.
whimsical nonsense @ 11:04 PM
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Thursday, March 16, 2006
o man!
i need to start on my homework pronto...
and so far i havent touched it...
mainly woke up at 1000...
then slept again at 1145 until like 1315?
im like a pig! piggy piggy piggy!
and im fat too...
almost like a pig..
juz the appearance not...except for 2 eyes..2 ears..a nose..mouth...legs (without hoofs) and yeah..u get the picture...
o and lots of fats...
fat fat dumb dumb sam chan...
ooo
today so unproductive...aiyoh.
then after math tuition where i totally forgot logs...
i went island cremery with my sis cuz she was going to meet her fren...
so i tried their ice cream for the first time...
teh tarik
wah...thats quite gd...lol
feel so fat!
eat ice cream after ice cream...
i wan to go under the sun more..
need.to.tan.
ooo..did i mention i got a cool slipper tan?
ok not really...
the toes are tan...and its like really juz the toes...
then the part after the toes is fair...or before camp...
then about 3 cm down...and in a weird shape..its red..
thats sunburnt part...lol...for the next few daysi wanna wear the same slippers
then can get more obvious...
but wonder if my mom allow...
i hope my skin dun peel...juz tan...
and i actually quite like the redness in the skin..the sunburn part..
on my arms..lets..but not face...
dark face very erm...lets juz keep it at there kaes?
o nooo..agenda...
ooo...my toe is better!
not so pain...
too bad its like most of the time in some dressing..
so cant look at it...
a half nail..i wonder how it'll heal...
o well...
gtg
ddsc
whimsical nonsense @ 11:08 PM
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Wednesday, March 15, 2006
ah...back from camp!
a quite tiring camp..but also fun nonetheless..and of course beneficial
well..i was a helper so probably it wasnt so physically draining...
compared to the sec2s and the scholars...
feel quite sorry for them...
ooo...i made more frens!
or not exactly frens but at least like recognise them...
and i hope they'll remember me...
like the ppl in my group...the scholars included...
other ppl not in my group..though they might not recognise me...
well...i love my group..group3!
max...davin..zacary..paul...phu and zuhao...
a great bunch.
yay!
ok im quite tired...
ooo...on the second day i broke my toe nail..
so sad la!
no dragon boating...
my first time a nail broke...aiyoh...
gd thing only one nail...the left big toe one...
a lot of ppl after seeing it says it looks gross..but i dun think so leh...
haha
night games was good...quite fun. concept was interesting.
collected the light sticks for my group...
so fun la...playing with it when its all dark...
gd experience. overall.
hot track.
hot...nvm
tired, exhausted.
enriched.
ddsc
whimsical nonsense @ 11:20 PM
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Sunday, March 12, 2006
ooo...leaving for camp tmr..
hope it'll be fun...
i dunno wat to expect...
and i always dunno wat to expect when i go for camps not knowing what to expect...
i mean ive gone through many experiences where i go for camps..
and not know what to expect...
so by right i shud noe wat to expect in situations like this...
situations of i-dunno-what-to-expect kind...
but of course...when ur in a i-dunno-what-to-expect situation...
u dunno what to expect!
ok im not making sense..but i hope u can make some sense of nonsense
i havent packed!
but i got most of the things already..if dun have..then oops
im screwed...
hope not.
and got to report for briefing tmr...
and again..i really dunno what to expect...
o well.
may camp be an enriching experience...
may i not screw up
and may it allow me to get away from this fast paced world
that i might not be too far behind...
catch up...
actually i prefer chili...
ketchup is quite salty...
on another random note.
C
do you get it? do you SEE the pun?
dronam
its random spelled somewhat randomly i guess
im lame.
sitting on a chair...unable to walk cuz my back hurts!
ok i can walk
but my back still hurts...
stupid stupid waking up on wrong side of bed thingy
stupid back!
stupid me!
ddsc!
dumb dumb sam chan =)
whimsical nonsense @ 9:37 PM
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haix
another late post
its not the end
the gate unlocked, the road ahead
a new obstacle
to tackle
but at least we move on
it matters to me of course
more to them
my joy is in them
having the ability to fly it high
not so much me progressing
may you do us proud
sc
whimsical nonsense @ 9:57 AM
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Thursday, March 09, 2006
this is quite late...
since everyone knows the results by now...
but acsi cricket won! the nationals B div!
we had 216 runs to ri's 127 runs i think...
and they lost cuz they lost 9 wickets...
as their last batsman was injured..according to someone...
so dun need for us to get 10 wickets...
so yeah..we won
and i understood cricket!
thanx to henry explaining things like wickets...runs..overs...
and cricket is actually quite a cool game!
the cheering was ok la...
though we were outcheered by ri i think...
but i couldnt really hear our volume...
at first i believe we were loud...
until raffles had like a lot of ppl...like say...50 or 60? or mayb 40...
acsi?
hm..not a lot...i think its becuz cricket doesnt really appeal...
so many ppl would like...find some excuse...
and so...we only had about 20 or 30 supporters...
and even then not all cheered..haix
o!
i took the flag and ran around the cricket pitch..including into ri territory...
and then marcus ting...tim toh..andrew fok and me ran another round...
cuz marcus..toh and me went to take the water bottles for the prefects...
then we got andrew fok who was holding the flag then to run round...
we survived!
aiyah...the prefects cheered well...
the sch not so well...
everything related to acsi...very gd!
o man
arnarth..if thats how u spell his name...
is gd la!
a gd batsman and bowler..at least from what i know...
he took 6 wickets from ri! whoa!
but enuf of the game la
was tired...sticky...had a bit of a sore throat...
but i dun regret not going...had a gd time there la...
next time hope can cheer louder...
make (shhh...not on blogs)
so yeps. till next time
jgs tmr!
oooo
personal walk
downhill
life
you think?
sc
whimsical nonsense @ 9:48 PM
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Monday, March 06, 2006
o man...
no gep camp for week10!
so sad...
but o well...
last week of sch...
still so hectic
i juz realised that student act had 8 meetings this term...thats like...one almost every week...
almost.
thats a lot..
o well.
i wonder how things are gonna turn out...
as bad as last week?
i dunno.
some ppl say if u look at it...it cant get any worse...
but it got worse from monday to tuesday..and tuesday to wednesday...
gd thing it stopped there...
if not i would like seriously consider doing something ppl wont expect me to do...
gtg.
whimsical nonsense @ 11:23 PM
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Sunday, March 05, 2006
hm...juz read the sunday times article on tammy...
wait...not read...more like...scanned thru the first few paragraphs..thats all
and i wonder...
how some people would like juz type "tammy nyp" and other keywords...
juz so that more ppl go to their blogs...
btw..im not writing this post juz to have that phrase in it...
im not the kind that cares a lot about viewership of my blog...
ppl see...they see..dun see..so?
i didnt create this blog juz so that i would have that er...few secs of fame?
wadever
so back to that thing...
i mean dun u think thats so...low-level?
"cashing" in...or literally doing so when someones privacy had been like..torn apart?
its like...so not right.
in the first place...it shudnt have been uploaded on the net or spreaded around...
the video..
its like...personal? and u dun go around showing ppls personal things...
unless u and that person is very very close and ur 150% sure he wont mind...
but even then..its juz not right...
when i was reading that thing..i cant believe how ppl would do that...
like this dude koped the url tammynyp.com or something like that...
and then its linked to advertisements...im quite sure he gets paid...
like...why? why are ppl cashing in on someones misfortune?
unless tammy doesnt mind flashing herself and broadcasting it to the world wat she did...
im quite sure she does...
ok...a normal person would mind...
aiyoh..never thought singaporeans could become like that...
everyone goes into a frenzy..
over some amateur video...
i mean like i dun deny that sex sells...
but yet...nvm...find it hard to put in words...
singapore? conservative?
according to that durex surver last year or whatever..where it shows singaporean couples not doing it so often...we seem so..conservative or whatever...dun care much about sex...
according to reality...we're just like every other nation...
probably not as forthcoming about it...but one cannot deny the fact...
that we are probably as good/bad as the other countries...
the more liberal ones...like US
whimsical nonsense @ 9:59 AM
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Thursday, March 02, 2006
bleh
whimsical nonsense @ 10:31 PM
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Wednesday, March 01, 2006
haix
spiralling down...
everything.
one by one they fell
like dominos.
some remain
standing, not for long
fearful of the final
fall.
whimsical nonsense @ 10:29 PM
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profile
Samuel Chan
7 January 1991
affliations
shuqun primary school
Henry Park Primary School
Anglo-Chinese School (Independent)
acdb8 / bb12thcoy / acspb / ac cross country
